1st home visit

Well we officially survived our first home visit!!!!!  This one was actually a very easy visit and it seems the only one that we are dreading is the second one which is already this thursday!!!!  This is the visit where they take you individually and grill you for about an hour and a half each she said....also they don't want the kids in the house as it can be "heavy topics".  All I know is that I don't know what in the world all of this is for....but it's the process and therefore we have to do it!!!!  The first visit she walked thru our house and when we sat down to talk it was basically reasking the questions that we filled out in our paperwork so that was fine.  The only shocking question so far was when she asked about our guardians we chose for our kids in case we die....that was fine as I guess I see why they want to make sure all of that is set up....but hey needed to know what their annual income was.  So are you telling me that they have to meet an ideal income when they are simply stepping in to raise our kids because we have died.....seems crazy to me.  However, they are fully qualified so it all worked out fine!!!!

I also wanted to touch on one of the fundraisers we are doing for an orphanage donation.  I want to first say that we know how the government runs the orphanages and therefore we will use this money the way our agency advises.  Jason's office is going to donate special bottles for babies with cleft lip and palate so that we can give those to the orphanage but there are many needs for baby items.  So if they think we should take the money in china and buy a bunch of formula, bottles, clothes or whatever that is what we will do.  As of now I am just going to start an account that will all be given to them in one fashion or another.  So right now we are selling tshirts specifically designed for this adoption!!!  The outline over the words on front is the outline of China.  The shirts are $20 and yes I know that is quite an expensive tshirt but remember that this money is going to something really great and you get a tshirt in return!!!!!  We spend $20 on things for our kids that will eventually not be appreciated and thrown away......so if that is your hang up I ask that you pray about it and maybe your heart will be opened.  We are so blessed here in our little bubble that it is so hard to even fathom the basic needs not being met for other children.  I remember a mom that I know that returned from getting her daughter in China and she said "we don't have starving kids right here among us so when you feel that in your hands it is so hard to even explain".  You see they aren't starving the kids because they are mean nannies at an orphanage that take out their anger on babies....they are under feeding them because they don't have the means to feed them what they really need.  So I like to say that we are NOT all called to adopt, but we are ALL called to help orphans.....so please consider buying a tshirt for your whole family!!!!  I know it's asking alot but just consider it!!!!  I will attach a picture of the front/back of the tshirt and if you are interested then message me and we can also ship the shirts to you for an additional $2, so NO EXCUSES ;)

Love

So I have been wanting to write this specific blog for awhile now but it just never felt like the right time.  Today being fathers day and Tuesday being our wedding anniversary seems like the perfect time.  I want to start by saying that Jason doesn't even read my blog so this is not to get mushy with my husband, but rather I can give you a glimpse into his perspective. 

The background needed for this blog is that after we had Connor, Jason was a GREAT dad.  He really loved it and was just naturally good at it.  I will never forget his face the day that all of our children were born but especially when we had Connor.  That was the first time I had ever seen that face on him....that pure love....Connor didn't have to do anything and Jason was just totally in love.  Now I have always dreamed of a house full of kids and have always wanted to be a mom.  Therefore, infertility really was hard for me to deal with.  So after Connor when we went thru YEARS of infertility it was really hard.  I would always bring up adoption and Jason wouldn't even consider it.  His stance was that if God wanted us to have more we would, and that we should just feel blessed to have Connor.  Now I have always felt blessed to have Connor, but when you are a woman and are dealing with infertility, I really don't believe it matters if you already have 1, 2, 3 or no kids, it is ALWAYS hard.  After we had Grady, Jason was finished.  I almost died during my delivery with Grady because of a placental abruption and Grady also was lucky to have survived.  Therefore, Jason felt that it was best to be finished.  BUT we had agreed that if our second was a boy I would get to try one more time for a girl, but if it were a girl then we would be finished.  Well we all know that Grady was a boy!!!  So I held him to that!!!!  We dealt with much more infertility and then got pregnant with Chesney and we all know how that went. 

So this is where I am going to start sharing a little glimpse of Jason's feelings.  So the weekend before I delivered Chesney I had noticed that she wasn't moving.  I hadn't felt her really all that consistently yet but I just had noticed that I hadn't felt her.  So Monday I decided to call our home health nurse that came to give me my shots every week.  She said that legally since I was 20 weeks she had to have me see my dr.  So, I called my dr and they weren't concerned at all but wanted me to come in for a quick heartbeat check.  So off Grady and I went to the dr over an hour away at St Johns Mercy.  We got there and they took me back and the nurse checked and didn't find the heart beat....not rattled she had someone else came in who did an ultrasound...she didn't say anything and went and got the dr to do another ultrasound....and then she said those words "I'm sorry honey, there is no heartbeat".  I immediately was hysterical and they took Grady to get a snack and gave me a bit more information.  They said that they could tell that it had been recent.  So....they sent me downstairs to confirm it by an ultrasound technician.  On the way out of the office Jason called from work to check on me.  I could barely speak when I was telling him so the dr took the phone and explained to him and said that they could either send me home and have me come back in the morning or they could immediately admit me.  So he told them to admit me as he didn't want me to drive myself home and that he would cancel the rest of his patients and get there as soon as possible.  He also took care of calling our family and setting up my mom to get Grady for me and then getting Connor also.  So after another ultrasound they admitted me to labor and delivery.  Well Jason got there that evening and the process began.  I had obviously never been thru this before so neither of us knew what we were getting into.  We assumed as many of you I'm sure do that since she was so small that it wouldn't be painful and that it would be fast...WRONG!!!  I'm sure by now following my blogs you know that I was induced Monday evening and had steady contractions until Wednesday at almost 2pm when I delivered her.  Because she was breach and so small I was having a hard time progressing.  Anyway Jason was amazing.  It was Jason, my dad, and I in the room the entire time and I finally got an epideral because the foley bulb was too much for me to deal with.  So long story short I delivered her without any medical people in the room.  I felt something, had Jason check and he said "Courtney don't move, I think she's here".  Ok so what does that mean you think....what does she look like, does it now look like a baby.  So my dad darted out of the room and the medical staff came in.  I know I have said how amazing they were but they really were.  Jason walked over to look at her laying on the blanket and he was seriously great.  As you can imagine we had no idea what to expect but it was much better then either of us expected. 

I know you are all wondering where is this blog going...I'm getting there I promise!!!  Literally when I was in the intense part of my labor and before the epideral Jason looked at me and said...I never want to see you go thru anything like this again, we are going to look into adoption when we are done with this.  Those are words that I never thought I would hear from him.  It was at that moment that God's plan was becoming a little bit clearer.  Now dont' get me wrong...it didn't make that trauma any less....but it just showed me that God is still in control.  God was all over that hospital room.  I will do another blog to explain all of that but today I will just say that we felt him so many times it was crazy!!!!  So I delivered Chesney on Wed around 2 and they finally let me go home that evening late.  Jason was thrilled to get home and be in our bed, I was a little apprehensive because I was prepared to bring home a baby so it was very sad...but a couple of my friends had come and cleaned my house, done my laundry and put my baby stuff in the basement for me.  So that really helped!!!!  Jason was off on Thursday because that is his normal day off.  That afternoon I was looking thru the history on our computer which I do all the time because I have an 8 year old and I want to make sure I am checking on him.  Well in checking that I saw that Jason had googled "How to help a wife who lost a child" and also "how to help my grieving wife".  It was at that moment that I realized that for him it was more important that he be strong for me and that he really wanted to have the right words to say to me.  Very sweet!!!

It didn't take long for me to remind Jason of that conversation in the hospital room.  Adoption!!!!  Although it totally has taken Jason out of his comfort zone he knows that it is something that I have to do.  I can't end like this.  I can't end with sadness.  Our family had a little sister for 20 short weeks and now it only feels right to complete our family with our little MeiMei.  The process is long and grueling but we both know that in the end it is going to make us stronger as a family and also complete our family.  I had someone tell me that I had lost my mind because I immediately went into the adoption mode, and that I didn't grieve.  I would say to that until you have walked in my shoes don't judge.  Even people who have been thru infertility, all of our journeys are different.  I have also had people say that we should adopt from the US...and to that I would say that God's children are all different colors and in all different places and for us China is the right choice....but if you want to adopt then feel free to adopt from the US.  All I can say is that this is right for us and I am not trying to force anyone into making the same decisions that we made. 

I want to end this blog by saying that it is in the tough times that you see just how much people mean to you and I couldn't have gotten thru any of this without my Jason!!!  He will never read this and will never know any of this but I want any of you who are the Jasons for someone else to realize that every single thing that you do is appreciated even if it isn't expressed.  I would also like to say that everyone's journey is different but that is what makes it great!!!! 

China program

So on Thursday June 6 we received a message in our portal.  Now the portal is what Bethany uses to communicate with their families instead of email.  This way there are no secrets...everyone at bethany can see ALL communication as it is like a private message board with each family.  You get lots of country info every month thru the portal as well as communicate with all case workers during the process.  Ok so this post was an official welcome into the China program.  Basically I knew we were entered in the program as soon as our paperwork was approved but to see those words were so exciting!!!!  I told Jason that adoption is such a crazy thing because it seems like at any moment something could happen to take the opportunity away.  I guess this is a little bit because even when I was pregnant we kind of always waited for something to happen to make it go away....after many miscarriages it just never feels real.  That is similar to how I feel about this adoption except it is just test after test that you have to pass.  I don't know that everyone that goes thru adoption feels this way but it is definitely how I feel.  In fact when I told Jason that getting that message made me feel like this was really going to happen his reply was, "this was going to happen as soon as we decided to do it".  I guess adoption is more of  a guarantee then being pregnant but still nothing is guaranteed!!!!  Just funny how he sees it vs how I see it!!!

After the home visits we will move on and be working with the China team after that.  So basically this new team will be the ones that will "match" us with our daughter....although we all know that God really is doing that.  What I love about Bethany is that just because you are first on the list doesn't mean you get the first little one that they find that matches your profile.  The people at Bethany pray about who they think is the best family for that specific child and yes it is probably going to be someone close to the top of the list but this to me allows God to move.

So a few things coming.  I am going to have a huge garage sale at my house at some point...looking like August.  I am selling LOTS of baby stuff and clothes and anything else that people want to donate to the cause.  All of the money raised will be put in an account to be used as a donation to the orphanage that we pick MeiMei up from.  So if there is something around your house that you are wanting to sell but don't want to do the work or care about the money then feel free to donate it to our garage sale for the orphanage!!!!  Anything that is not sold will be donated to my church's Hands of Mercy program that gives things away to people in need.  Also coming even sooner is a tshirt sale.  I designed a charcoal gray tshirt that is amazing!!!  All of the money raised from the tshirt sale will be going for a donation to the orphanage as well.  Not all of us are called to adopt, but we are ALL called to help orphans.  This is a great opportunity to buy a cool tshirt for your entire family and help a great cause!!!!  Here's a hint...."Love Crosses Oceans"!!!  So I am going to do a small order quickly for family and friends so that there are shirts out there so everyone can take order forms, show off their shirt and help sell them.  So look for an order form on fb or in my blog coming soon!!!!!

Elation to Frustration

I expected a roller coaster ride when we signed up for this, heck every one of my pregnancies have been one so why would this be any different.  It's amazing how excited I was just over a week ago about finishing my paperwork and now I am frustrated.  On May 24, I talked to my agency and was informed that they had received my paperwork and that everything was in place.  She said that since Monday was a holiday that tuesday or wednesday I would be hearing from my social worker with our home study approval and then get to schedule our home visits.  So Tuesday came and went with no word, and then Wednesday came and still no call.  I decided Wed afternoon before they closed I would call my social worker and see if she knew anything yet.  She told me that she was so busy that she didn't have time to go over it yet, and that she was told that she should go ahead and schedule my home visits.  She said that again she is so busy that my first visit couldn't be until the last thursday of June.....now I know that no one else is keeping score like me, but I got my paperwork done in 7 weeks and now I have to wait 5 weeks from then to even start my home visits.  Talk about being bummed out and frustrated!!!!  That is just 5 weeks that nothing is being done and that is also 5 weeks longer until we get on the waiting list to wait for our daughter.  But since this isn't something that I could change I scheduled our visits.  The next day which was Thursday I called the social worker again to see if our home study had been approved yet....not that I am worried but you just want to hear those words when you have spent SO much time getting your information together.  Again she told me that she hadn't been able to review it yet.  I figured since I had expressed my anxiousness that surely by close on friday I would hear something....NOTHING!!!  So I went all weekend again with that knot in my gut just wanting to hear those words!!!

So, Monday came and I decided to call the lady in St Louis at the agency that actually has my paperwork and she wasn't available so I asked to speak with the director.  Well I got her machine and left a message just for her to call me....I have come to realize if you tell people what you want it will be much longer to get a call back.  So then I called my social worker just to see if she had the answer....for something that was going to take a day to review and get back to me I think giving them over a week is plenty of time.  So when she told me again that she hadn't been able to approve it, I wasn't that happy!! I expressed to her that I was getting frustrated because the only time I hear from them is when I call them and I feel like I have to call and call to get any response.  She stated that she didn't want to make excuses but that they are short staffed because someone is on maternity leave so obviously the pregnant girls have to come first because they have a deadline.  I also told her that I was frustrated that even starting my home visits was going to be a long wait and just expressed the things that were becoming frustrating.  She told me that she would try to get back to me after she talked to her boss.  So she called me back and told me that she couldn't officially approve the home study yet but that she glanced over it and it looked fine.  Ok well that's something....still a little annoying but she was trying.  Then she went on to tell me that if I wanted we could do a conference call with her and her boss and discuss whether this was going to be a good fit.  She said that if I am already having trouble waiting then maybe adoption or this program wasn't the best decision for me as it is all about waiting.....ok.....momma bear almost came out.  I was holding back tears when I expressed to her that I am fully prepared to wait for my daughter but I am not even on the waiting list yet and obviously I want to do everything I can to get on the list sooner then later.  I then told her that I felt like I had expressed how I was feeling to her and their solution was to basically what seemed to me as trying to suggest that maybe I should leave their program.  I seriously was almost in tears so I just told her that I didn't feel a conference call was necessary and that I would just basically deal with it because this is the path to my daughter.

So.....I get home and Jason is home for lunch and I start to tell him what had just happened and I was still upset.  He obviously was upset too as you expect your agency to be advocates for you and want to be your support and what we felt like we got was just people who didn't want to deal with us.  Also I feel like I am working so hard to get everything done that I can and they are making me wait 5 weeks....I get that I have to wait but I don't like wasting time to even get to start the process to get to be a waiting family.  So while we are talking and he is getting frustrated my phone rings and it is the agency and all of a sudden I remember that I had left a message for the director.  I decided not to answer the phone because the last thing I wanted was to be officially kicked out of the agency.  Jason insisted that I answer the phone as this is our agency and we need to know that they are on our side.  So I did and I am so thankful that I did.  On the phone was the director whom we had met because she ran the all day class that we took.  She was so nice.  I told her I was afraid to talk to her because of what might happen and she said that it was totally fine and she was happy that I expressed my feelings to her.  She also said that I wouldn't be black listed for speaking out and that they are short staffed but that just because of that the people using their agency now shouldn't have to suffer.  So she was headed into a staff meeting and was going to try to find a solution to the problems.  Unfortunately I don't think this is going to make my home visits any sooner but that is just something I am going to have to get over.

It's a tough situation because you want to make sure that you are watching out for your family but at the same time these people decide if you are approved, how long they wait to approve you, and everything else so you don't want to make them mad.  I am still frustrated as it is now June 4th and we still haven't been officially approved but again I guess I am just going to have to get over it.  I do want to say for all of you that have been thru the process or might be thinking this....I am fully prepared to wait....I just want to get to where we are waiting for our daughter and some of this waiting seems excessive!!!

So here we are.....elation to frustration.  I still feel like God led us to this agency and I know that no agency is perfect.  We are all human and they can't help it that they have someone on maternity leave.  I just know that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for our family and I need to make sure that I stay on top of it.....We can't wait to meet MeiMei and that is what we are doing all of this for.