Jason and I are doing a nightly devotional with the boys (mostly Connor obviously) entitled "The One Year Devotions for BOYS". So last night we sat down to do the lesson and it was on Romans 8:26-31. Well the lesson went a little like this....a boy complaining to his grandma while she is baking about how life isn't fair and if God loved him he wouldn't let all this bad stuff happen to him. Well the Grandma gave the lesson about how if you try the cocoa, shortening, flour, raw eggs or baking soda on their own they would be pretty gross...but when you put them together they make something special. The basic take away was the Bible says that all things work together for good in the life of a Christian but it doesn't promise all things to be good. It asked if you had swallowed some bitter experiences lately....and said to be patient because all the ingredients aren't in yet so you can't taste the final result yet.
Wow....that was divine intervention. What a great opportunity to talk about the bitter experience that we have all went thru lately.....our sweet Chesney. I keep hearing how strong I am and the truth is that it stinks that we had to go thru that. And I would be lying if there was a moment that I thought because of the 6 miscarriages that once we were out of the "danger zone" we would be fine. But God chose for that crappy thing to happen to our family for a reason.....it was a raw egg in our life and we are just sitting back waiting for God to put the other ingredients in so that we can finally eat the cake. Although we never saw Chesney breathing, we loved her and it sure stinks that her due date is approaching and that is a sad thing not an exciting thing. However, I know that God is leading us to the adoption process and once all the ingredients are in we are going to be happier then we could ever imagine. Although April 19, 2013 isn't going to be such an exciting day...there will be a day in the future that we will get a phone call to check our email and see the child that could be ours. I know that one day we will look into the eyes of our child and know that she is the one that God hand chose to finish our family!! This devotion was merely a great ice breaker to talk to Connor about Chesney and how it is alright to be sad....we all are....but we trust that God is going to use this experience for His good.
So have you tasted bitter experiences lately??? Give it time for God to get all of your ingredients in so that you can feast on the yummy cake that is your life!!! God uses all things for His purpose.......
Monday, March 25, 2013
Friday, March 22, 2013
Full disclosure
Late February into early March, a couple from Nashville went to China to pick up there little girl!!! She is gorgeous!!! While they were there the mom blogged about their trip on a popular adoption site. I followed that blog every day that they were there and I found that I couldn't wait to see what the next post was. I was almost jealous that I was going to miss out on that experience. I knew how excited I was about surrogacy but for some reason I was just obsessed with their trip to China. The entire thing appealed to me. Well the day that they got home, I told Jason that I was bummed that I wouldn't get to read about their experience any more. I would miss checking their blog 5 times a day to see if there was anything new. Well...that was the same day that I got the call from Dr Odem saying that my blood work was bad. I really believe that was the calmness that came over me instantly. I knew immediately that our journey wasn't over, it was just gonna change. Jason and I thought that China adoption was going to be our path originally...but then we were blessed with Kelly's offer. God totally knows what I need more than I do!!! He knew that I needed that path explored and closed in order for my entire heart to be into the adoption that lied ahead of us!!!
So...I have been debating this week about whether or not I was going to continue this blog. I know that some of you read this because you are curious, and some read it because I tell them too and they don't really care. All in all the world would keep turning without my confusing, rambling blog....so I wasn't sure if I should put all of this out there or not. I was talking to a wise friend tonight and I asked her what she thought...she wisely said "if you don't document the process, you will look back and regret it"....and she followed by saying "and you better let me read it". SO I thought she is sooo right....I do want my thoughts down on paper. The blog is something that I can print and put together into a binder and I will be able to show my daughter one day just how much we wanted her. Exactly what I was thinking during this long process.
SO...the process. On March 18th, Jason and I submitted our formal application to Bethany Christian Services to adopt a little girl from China. Now we submitted thru the "waiting child" list which is a MUCH shorter wait then the regular baby adoption. A baby adoption is a 7 year wait once you get ALL the paperwork done and are "logged in". The waiting child program is also called the "special needs" program. In china a baby with a mole or birth mark is considered special needs. So we fill out on a check list what we are willing to look at and what we aren't comfortable with. With this program there is probably a year wait once we are "logged in". My goal is to be logged in by the end of the year but that is really going to be pushing it because of how much you have to do and how long everything takes!!! But realistically we could be going to pick up our daughter in 2 years. Also with this program the youngest we will be bringing home will probably be a 2 year old. This was a hang up at first for me, but then I started thinking that in 2 years Chesney would be 2....this is exactly what God is planning I just know it. It just feels right this time. On March 22 (today) we got word that our formal application was accepted and we are now in the waiting child program for China. We are waiting for a little girl ages 0-2 and cannot wait to see who she is!!!! Think about that...she might be born right now and her mom might be deciding to give her up....she might not even be born yet....we just don't know but cannot wait until we get to see her picture!!!
So here is the quick explanation of how this works. Basically we will be jumping thru hoops for the next several months. We have to have a home study, finger prints, background, check, passports, birth certificates, marriage certificates, immigration paperwork, you name it we will be doing it. Once we are "logged in" we just wait. Some unknown day at an unknown time we will get a phone call saying that they have a referral for us to consider...that will be followed by an email with her picture and the limited information that they have on her. Then we will have to decide if she is the missing member to our family. I just feel like I will know as soon as I see her!!! So....this journey at the beginning probably won't be that interesting to the majority of you. I just want a place that I can keep track of what we are doing when and how long this process took!!! I also want to be able to look back at my feelings throughout the entire process!!! This will also end with a 2 week stay in China which I am also excited about!!
For those of you that are thinking what many have already said let me just address this now. "why don't you adopt from the US, there are many kids here that need good homes"....We have 2 biological children which doesn't make us good candidates for US adoption....also after all the sadness and disappointment, I just cannot handle worrying the entire pregnancy if the mom is going to change her mind. I think that there are many people who are right for the US adoption process....it just isn't something that I can handle so China is the right choice for us. Plus I am so excited about a dark headed little girl!!! My little China Doll!!!!
So...I have been debating this week about whether or not I was going to continue this blog. I know that some of you read this because you are curious, and some read it because I tell them too and they don't really care. All in all the world would keep turning without my confusing, rambling blog....so I wasn't sure if I should put all of this out there or not. I was talking to a wise friend tonight and I asked her what she thought...she wisely said "if you don't document the process, you will look back and regret it"....and she followed by saying "and you better let me read it". SO I thought she is sooo right....I do want my thoughts down on paper. The blog is something that I can print and put together into a binder and I will be able to show my daughter one day just how much we wanted her. Exactly what I was thinking during this long process.
SO...the process. On March 18th, Jason and I submitted our formal application to Bethany Christian Services to adopt a little girl from China. Now we submitted thru the "waiting child" list which is a MUCH shorter wait then the regular baby adoption. A baby adoption is a 7 year wait once you get ALL the paperwork done and are "logged in". The waiting child program is also called the "special needs" program. In china a baby with a mole or birth mark is considered special needs. So we fill out on a check list what we are willing to look at and what we aren't comfortable with. With this program there is probably a year wait once we are "logged in". My goal is to be logged in by the end of the year but that is really going to be pushing it because of how much you have to do and how long everything takes!!! But realistically we could be going to pick up our daughter in 2 years. Also with this program the youngest we will be bringing home will probably be a 2 year old. This was a hang up at first for me, but then I started thinking that in 2 years Chesney would be 2....this is exactly what God is planning I just know it. It just feels right this time. On March 22 (today) we got word that our formal application was accepted and we are now in the waiting child program for China. We are waiting for a little girl ages 0-2 and cannot wait to see who she is!!!! Think about that...she might be born right now and her mom might be deciding to give her up....she might not even be born yet....we just don't know but cannot wait until we get to see her picture!!!
So here is the quick explanation of how this works. Basically we will be jumping thru hoops for the next several months. We have to have a home study, finger prints, background, check, passports, birth certificates, marriage certificates, immigration paperwork, you name it we will be doing it. Once we are "logged in" we just wait. Some unknown day at an unknown time we will get a phone call saying that they have a referral for us to consider...that will be followed by an email with her picture and the limited information that they have on her. Then we will have to decide if she is the missing member to our family. I just feel like I will know as soon as I see her!!! So....this journey at the beginning probably won't be that interesting to the majority of you. I just want a place that I can keep track of what we are doing when and how long this process took!!! I also want to be able to look back at my feelings throughout the entire process!!! This will also end with a 2 week stay in China which I am also excited about!!
For those of you that are thinking what many have already said let me just address this now. "why don't you adopt from the US, there are many kids here that need good homes"....We have 2 biological children which doesn't make us good candidates for US adoption....also after all the sadness and disappointment, I just cannot handle worrying the entire pregnancy if the mom is going to change her mind. I think that there are many people who are right for the US adoption process....it just isn't something that I can handle so China is the right choice for us. Plus I am so excited about a dark headed little girl!!! My little China Doll!!!!
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
toughest blog yet....
Well...I sit here with a heavy heart to write this specific blog. If I'm being honest I would have to say that I have been putting this off for a week now!!! So on March 5 just a little bit after I wrote my last blog I got a call from Dr Odem's office. The nurse was on the other line and she said "Courtney, we got the blood test back and the results were alarming". Immediately I am thinking, what in the world did I have blood testing done for?? All I knew was it was routine and nothing to worry about....and that he was fine just moving forward even before we got the results back....so what in the world was so alarming???? She went on to say that my AMH level, which apparently tells them what kind of quality of eggs remaining you have was VERY low. So low that I am in the 10% of women who are 45.....so basically this test showed that an average 45 year old has more eggs then I have. How in the world did that happen?? I have to say with full discretion that right before I found out that I was pregnant with CHesney I had this test ran and I had a ton of eggs....so how did this happen in such a short amount of time?? Well that is a question that I just won't ever have an answer for. She went on to say that when my next cycle started there were 2 more tests that I could have done and that I wasn't ruled out yet as a candidate for IVF.
Well I spend the afternoon processing that and packing to head to KY lake.....well on the way to KY lake my phone rang and it was a blocked number...from my experience that is NEVER good. This time it was Dr Odem himself. I wasn't expecting his call so I found it odd that he was calling after hours like this on my cell phone. He said that he wanted to have a seriously talk. GREAT....I am getting sick of serious talks with Drs....anyway, he said that there were these 2 other tests that I could have done and with me being so young the quality of my eggs MIGHT be good enough that the number won't matter. He then went on to say "Courtney, I am just afraid that you have been thru enough". He said that if I was his daughter and she was in the exact situation as me he would advise her to not go thru with this surrogacy cycle. Not because it is impossible....nothing is impossible....but because of all the disappointment that we have already been thru and the odds that were piled against. He also said that since this isn't a regular IVF but a surrogacy we would have already spent so much money with legal and meds before we even know if I am going to get any eggs. Now let me start by saying that I believe that God gives you these IMPOSSIBLE situations in order to perform miracles. I have seen my fair share of miracles that is for sure!!!! So I am not making this decision out of fear of this not working, or hopelessness but rather peace. When I got off the phone, Jason asked me what that was all about. I calmly told him exactly what Dr Odem had just said and he looked at me and said "how are you so calm and doing so well". Well the answer to that is God. Seriously if any of you know me, you know that this kind of information would destroy me. I love being a mom so much and wanted nothing more then a little girl that I could hang out with when the boys are hunting or fishing. But for some reason when I got that call, I was filled with peace.
Now don't get me wrong I am sad that we are closing this chapter of surrogacy....I mean seriously this would have been a great journey and I know that God could have provided had this been His plan for us....but the peace that I felt had to have come from God and I believe that is my sign that this isn't the right path for our family.
So what does this mean?? Well it means that we have a lot to talk about as a family and a lot to pray about. I am not sure where this will lead us exactly but I know that we will share our decision when it feels right and is made. I just ask that you pray for us and that we see clearly the plan that we feel God is laying out for us. I also want to say that the offer that Kelly made for our family is something that I just can't even process.....I mean such a sacrifice and act of love. Although this journey didn't happen it doesn't make her decision any less heroic in my book!!!
Thanks and sorry for the sad news!!
Well I spend the afternoon processing that and packing to head to KY lake.....well on the way to KY lake my phone rang and it was a blocked number...from my experience that is NEVER good. This time it was Dr Odem himself. I wasn't expecting his call so I found it odd that he was calling after hours like this on my cell phone. He said that he wanted to have a seriously talk. GREAT....I am getting sick of serious talks with Drs....anyway, he said that there were these 2 other tests that I could have done and with me being so young the quality of my eggs MIGHT be good enough that the number won't matter. He then went on to say "Courtney, I am just afraid that you have been thru enough". He said that if I was his daughter and she was in the exact situation as me he would advise her to not go thru with this surrogacy cycle. Not because it is impossible....nothing is impossible....but because of all the disappointment that we have already been thru and the odds that were piled against. He also said that since this isn't a regular IVF but a surrogacy we would have already spent so much money with legal and meds before we even know if I am going to get any eggs. Now let me start by saying that I believe that God gives you these IMPOSSIBLE situations in order to perform miracles. I have seen my fair share of miracles that is for sure!!!! So I am not making this decision out of fear of this not working, or hopelessness but rather peace. When I got off the phone, Jason asked me what that was all about. I calmly told him exactly what Dr Odem had just said and he looked at me and said "how are you so calm and doing so well". Well the answer to that is God. Seriously if any of you know me, you know that this kind of information would destroy me. I love being a mom so much and wanted nothing more then a little girl that I could hang out with when the boys are hunting or fishing. But for some reason when I got that call, I was filled with peace.
Now don't get me wrong I am sad that we are closing this chapter of surrogacy....I mean seriously this would have been a great journey and I know that God could have provided had this been His plan for us....but the peace that I felt had to have come from God and I believe that is my sign that this isn't the right path for our family.
So what does this mean?? Well it means that we have a lot to talk about as a family and a lot to pray about. I am not sure where this will lead us exactly but I know that we will share our decision when it feels right and is made. I just ask that you pray for us and that we see clearly the plan that we feel God is laying out for us. I also want to say that the offer that Kelly made for our family is something that I just can't even process.....I mean such a sacrifice and act of love. Although this journey didn't happen it doesn't make her decision any less heroic in my book!!!
Thanks and sorry for the sad news!!
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
3 months already
As I sit here to write this I have a heavy heart. How is it even possible that it has already been 3 months since that nightmare happened??? I'm also feeling very anxious as I know that April is not going to be a fun month for me. April was suppose to be the month that we delivered the perfect finish to our family!!! April was suppose to be the month that I could buy cute little girl things, bows, shoes, dresses, blankets, and everything pink!!!! April was suppose to be the month that we could put all this fertility stuff behind us!!! The entire journey is just TOO much.....just a LONG journey that I am ready to have closure with and really just be done. We were suppose to see what she would look like, would her eyes be blue like Connors or brown like Grady's....would she have white hair like connor or blonde like grady. I will say that we did get some closure as I can tell you that she had Connor's nose and I think really resembled Connor. She also had very blonde eye brows.
I am very excited about this surrogacy journey but there is still apart of me that is so ready to get it over with so that we will know either way if this chapter is over or if we get to be excited/anxious thru a pregnancy. Either way I am ready to know and it be final!!!
I had a friend ask a group of us what we wanted to be when we were younger. I have always wanted to be a mommy!! I am so blessed to be able to be at home with my kids and really experience them daily!! It is ironic that this is what I love so much and am so blessed to get to do it but it has been the thing that I have struggled with the most. Although I have no doubt God was in control of all of this!!! I always wanted my kids close together and was bummed that Connor and Grady were going to be 6 years apart due to infertility. However, when I look at the big picture, I was so blessed that Connor was in kindergarten during Grady's NICU stay because I got to be really present during the day with Grady and then went home and got to have time with Connor. Neither of them had to sacrifice their mom or feel left out!! What a blessing!! I wasn't torn between the two places...well obviously I was because I wanted to be at the hospital all day and night and at home but at least I got to give them both my time every single day!!! Then when I was pregnant with Chesney, Jason and I made a NICU plan in case that was needed. That would have meant Grady going to daycare during the day and then I would be home at night.....not exactly fun but it would have been fine!! well now I look at this opportunity with Kelly being a GC and think how weird it will be if she gets pregnant. It will be so weird to not have to drive over and hour one way to go see a high risk dr for every appt!! Also Jason and I talk about how weird it will be to have a baby delivered in a regular hospital 30 min from our house and not over at a hospital with a NICU that is over an hour away.
We are so blessed and trust me, I totally know it!!! Today is just one of those days that I really have Chesney on my mind and who she would have been. My due date was April 19 so I also think that I could have had her already....she could be here right now. Anyway, this too shall pass!!! Sorry for the bummer blog today!!!
I am very excited about this surrogacy journey but there is still apart of me that is so ready to get it over with so that we will know either way if this chapter is over or if we get to be excited/anxious thru a pregnancy. Either way I am ready to know and it be final!!!
I had a friend ask a group of us what we wanted to be when we were younger. I have always wanted to be a mommy!! I am so blessed to be able to be at home with my kids and really experience them daily!! It is ironic that this is what I love so much and am so blessed to get to do it but it has been the thing that I have struggled with the most. Although I have no doubt God was in control of all of this!!! I always wanted my kids close together and was bummed that Connor and Grady were going to be 6 years apart due to infertility. However, when I look at the big picture, I was so blessed that Connor was in kindergarten during Grady's NICU stay because I got to be really present during the day with Grady and then went home and got to have time with Connor. Neither of them had to sacrifice their mom or feel left out!! What a blessing!! I wasn't torn between the two places...well obviously I was because I wanted to be at the hospital all day and night and at home but at least I got to give them both my time every single day!!! Then when I was pregnant with Chesney, Jason and I made a NICU plan in case that was needed. That would have meant Grady going to daycare during the day and then I would be home at night.....not exactly fun but it would have been fine!! well now I look at this opportunity with Kelly being a GC and think how weird it will be if she gets pregnant. It will be so weird to not have to drive over and hour one way to go see a high risk dr for every appt!! Also Jason and I talk about how weird it will be to have a baby delivered in a regular hospital 30 min from our house and not over at a hospital with a NICU that is over an hour away.
We are so blessed and trust me, I totally know it!!! Today is just one of those days that I really have Chesney on my mind and who she would have been. My due date was April 19 so I also think that I could have had her already....she could be here right now. Anyway, this too shall pass!!! Sorry for the bummer blog today!!!
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