toughest blog yet....

Well...I sit here with a heavy heart to write this specific blog.  If I'm being honest I would have to say that I have been putting this off for a week now!!!  So on March 5 just a little bit after I wrote my last blog I got a call from Dr Odem's office.  The nurse was on the other line and she said "Courtney, we got the blood test back and the results were alarming".  Immediately I am thinking, what in the world did I have blood testing done for??  All I knew was it was routine and nothing to worry about....and that he was fine just moving forward even before we got the results back....so what in the world was so alarming????  She went on to say that my AMH level, which apparently tells them what kind of quality of eggs remaining you have was VERY low.  So low that I am in the 10% of women who are 45.....so basically this test showed that an average 45 year old has more eggs then I have.  How in the world did that happen??  I have to say with full discretion that right before I found out that I was pregnant with CHesney I had this test ran and I had a ton of eggs....so how did this happen in such a short amount of time??  Well that is a question that I just won't ever have an answer for.  She went on to say that when my next cycle started there were 2 more tests that I could have done and that I wasn't ruled out yet as a candidate for IVF. 

Well I spend the afternoon processing that and packing to head to KY lake.....well on the way to KY lake my phone rang and it was a blocked number...from my experience that is NEVER good.  This time it was Dr Odem himself.  I wasn't expecting his call so I found it odd that he was calling after hours like this on my cell phone.  He said that he wanted to have a seriously talk.  GREAT....I am getting sick of serious talks with Drs....anyway, he said that there were these 2 other tests that I could have done and with me being so young the quality of my eggs MIGHT be good enough that the number won't matter.  He then went on to say "Courtney, I am just afraid that you have been thru enough".  He said that if I was his daughter and she was in the exact situation as me he would advise her to not go thru with this surrogacy cycle.  Not because it is impossible....nothing is impossible....but because of all the disappointment that we have already been thru and the odds that were piled against.  He also said that since this isn't a regular IVF but a surrogacy we would have already spent so much money with legal and meds before we even know if I am going to get any eggs.  Now let me start by saying that I believe that God gives you these IMPOSSIBLE situations in order to perform miracles.  I have seen my fair share of miracles that is for sure!!!!  So I am not making this decision out of fear of this not working, or hopelessness but rather peace.  When I got off the phone, Jason asked me what that was all about.  I calmly told him exactly what Dr Odem had just said and he looked at me and said "how are you so calm and doing so well".  Well the answer to that is God.  Seriously if any of you know me, you know that this kind of information would destroy me.  I love being a mom so much and wanted nothing more then a little girl that I could hang out with when the boys are hunting or fishing.  But for some reason when I got that call, I was filled with peace. 

Now don't get me wrong I am sad that we are closing this chapter of surrogacy....I mean seriously this would have been a great journey and I know that God could have provided had this been His plan for us....but the peace that I felt had to have come from God and I believe that is my sign that this isn't the right path for our family.

So what does this mean??  Well it means that we have a lot to talk about as a family and a lot to pray about.  I am not sure where this will lead us exactly but I know that we will share our decision when it feels right and is made.  I just ask that you pray for us and that we see clearly the plan that we feel God is laying out for us.  I also want to say that the offer that Kelly made for our family is something that I just can't even process.....I mean such a sacrifice and act of love.  Although this journey didn't happen it doesn't make her decision any less heroic in my book!!!

Thanks and sorry for the sad news!!