3 months already

As I sit here to write this I have a heavy heart.  How is it even possible that it has already been 3 months since that nightmare happened???  I'm also feeling very anxious as I know that April is not going to be a fun month for me.  April was suppose to be the month that we delivered the perfect finish to our family!!!  April was suppose to be the month that I could buy cute little girl things, bows, shoes, dresses, blankets, and everything pink!!!!  April was suppose to be the month that we could put all this fertility stuff behind us!!!  The entire journey is just TOO much.....just a LONG journey that I am ready to have closure with and really just be done.  We were suppose to see what she would look like, would her eyes be blue like Connors or brown like Grady's....would she have white hair like connor or blonde like grady.  I will say that we did get some closure as I can tell you that she had Connor's nose and I think really resembled Connor.  She also had very blonde eye brows.

I am very excited about this surrogacy journey but there is still apart of me that is so ready to get it over with so that we will know either way if this chapter is over or if we get to be excited/anxious thru a pregnancy.  Either way I am ready to know and it be final!!!

I had a friend ask a group of us what we wanted to be when we were younger.  I have always wanted to be a mommy!!  I am so blessed to be able to be at home with my kids and really experience them daily!!  It is ironic that this is what I love so much and am so blessed to get to do it but it has been the thing that I have struggled with the most.  Although I have no doubt God was in control of all of this!!! I always wanted my kids close together and was bummed that Connor and Grady were going to be 6 years apart due to infertility.  However, when I look at the big picture, I was so blessed that Connor was in kindergarten during Grady's NICU stay because I got to be really present during the day with Grady and then went home and got to have time with Connor.  Neither of them had to sacrifice their mom or feel left out!!  What a blessing!!  I wasn't torn between the two places...well obviously I was because I wanted to be at the hospital all day and night and at home but at least I got to give them both my time every single day!!!  Then when I was pregnant with Chesney, Jason and I made a NICU plan in case that was needed.  That would have meant Grady going to daycare during the day and then I would be home at night.....not exactly fun but it would have been fine!!  well now I look at this opportunity with Kelly being a GC and think how weird it will be if she gets pregnant.  It will be so weird to not have to drive over and hour one way to go see a high risk dr for every appt!!  Also Jason and I talk about how weird it will be to have a baby delivered in a regular hospital 30 min from our house and not over at a hospital with a NICU that is over an hour away.

We are so blessed and trust me, I totally know it!!!  Today is just one of those days that I really have Chesney on my mind and who she would have been.  My due date was April 19 so I also think that I could have had her already....she could be here right now.  Anyway, this too shall pass!!!  Sorry for the bummer blog today!!!