Love

So I have been wanting to write this specific blog for awhile now but it just never felt like the right time.  Today being fathers day and Tuesday being our wedding anniversary seems like the perfect time.  I want to start by saying that Jason doesn't even read my blog so this is not to get mushy with my husband, but rather I can give you a glimpse into his perspective. 

The background needed for this blog is that after we had Connor, Jason was a GREAT dad.  He really loved it and was just naturally good at it.  I will never forget his face the day that all of our children were born but especially when we had Connor.  That was the first time I had ever seen that face on him....that pure love....Connor didn't have to do anything and Jason was just totally in love.  Now I have always dreamed of a house full of kids and have always wanted to be a mom.  Therefore, infertility really was hard for me to deal with.  So after Connor when we went thru YEARS of infertility it was really hard.  I would always bring up adoption and Jason wouldn't even consider it.  His stance was that if God wanted us to have more we would, and that we should just feel blessed to have Connor.  Now I have always felt blessed to have Connor, but when you are a woman and are dealing with infertility, I really don't believe it matters if you already have 1, 2, 3 or no kids, it is ALWAYS hard.  After we had Grady, Jason was finished.  I almost died during my delivery with Grady because of a placental abruption and Grady also was lucky to have survived.  Therefore, Jason felt that it was best to be finished.  BUT we had agreed that if our second was a boy I would get to try one more time for a girl, but if it were a girl then we would be finished.  Well we all know that Grady was a boy!!!  So I held him to that!!!!  We dealt with much more infertility and then got pregnant with Chesney and we all know how that went. 

So this is where I am going to start sharing a little glimpse of Jason's feelings.  So the weekend before I delivered Chesney I had noticed that she wasn't moving.  I hadn't felt her really all that consistently yet but I just had noticed that I hadn't felt her.  So Monday I decided to call our home health nurse that came to give me my shots every week.  She said that legally since I was 20 weeks she had to have me see my dr.  So, I called my dr and they weren't concerned at all but wanted me to come in for a quick heartbeat check.  So off Grady and I went to the dr over an hour away at St Johns Mercy.  We got there and they took me back and the nurse checked and didn't find the heart beat....not rattled she had someone else came in who did an ultrasound...she didn't say anything and went and got the dr to do another ultrasound....and then she said those words "I'm sorry honey, there is no heartbeat".  I immediately was hysterical and they took Grady to get a snack and gave me a bit more information.  They said that they could tell that it had been recent.  So....they sent me downstairs to confirm it by an ultrasound technician.  On the way out of the office Jason called from work to check on me.  I could barely speak when I was telling him so the dr took the phone and explained to him and said that they could either send me home and have me come back in the morning or they could immediately admit me.  So he told them to admit me as he didn't want me to drive myself home and that he would cancel the rest of his patients and get there as soon as possible.  He also took care of calling our family and setting up my mom to get Grady for me and then getting Connor also.  So after another ultrasound they admitted me to labor and delivery.  Well Jason got there that evening and the process began.  I had obviously never been thru this before so neither of us knew what we were getting into.  We assumed as many of you I'm sure do that since she was so small that it wouldn't be painful and that it would be fast...WRONG!!!  I'm sure by now following my blogs you know that I was induced Monday evening and had steady contractions until Wednesday at almost 2pm when I delivered her.  Because she was breach and so small I was having a hard time progressing.  Anyway Jason was amazing.  It was Jason, my dad, and I in the room the entire time and I finally got an epideral because the foley bulb was too much for me to deal with.  So long story short I delivered her without any medical people in the room.  I felt something, had Jason check and he said "Courtney don't move, I think she's here".  Ok so what does that mean you think....what does she look like, does it now look like a baby.  So my dad darted out of the room and the medical staff came in.  I know I have said how amazing they were but they really were.  Jason walked over to look at her laying on the blanket and he was seriously great.  As you can imagine we had no idea what to expect but it was much better then either of us expected. 

I know you are all wondering where is this blog going...I'm getting there I promise!!!  Literally when I was in the intense part of my labor and before the epideral Jason looked at me and said...I never want to see you go thru anything like this again, we are going to look into adoption when we are done with this.  Those are words that I never thought I would hear from him.  It was at that moment that God's plan was becoming a little bit clearer.  Now dont' get me wrong...it didn't make that trauma any less....but it just showed me that God is still in control.  God was all over that hospital room.  I will do another blog to explain all of that but today I will just say that we felt him so many times it was crazy!!!!  So I delivered Chesney on Wed around 2 and they finally let me go home that evening late.  Jason was thrilled to get home and be in our bed, I was a little apprehensive because I was prepared to bring home a baby so it was very sad...but a couple of my friends had come and cleaned my house, done my laundry and put my baby stuff in the basement for me.  So that really helped!!!!  Jason was off on Thursday because that is his normal day off.  That afternoon I was looking thru the history on our computer which I do all the time because I have an 8 year old and I want to make sure I am checking on him.  Well in checking that I saw that Jason had googled "How to help a wife who lost a child" and also "how to help my grieving wife".  It was at that moment that I realized that for him it was more important that he be strong for me and that he really wanted to have the right words to say to me.  Very sweet!!!

It didn't take long for me to remind Jason of that conversation in the hospital room.  Adoption!!!!  Although it totally has taken Jason out of his comfort zone he knows that it is something that I have to do.  I can't end like this.  I can't end with sadness.  Our family had a little sister for 20 short weeks and now it only feels right to complete our family with our little MeiMei.  The process is long and grueling but we both know that in the end it is going to make us stronger as a family and also complete our family.  I had someone tell me that I had lost my mind because I immediately went into the adoption mode, and that I didn't grieve.  I would say to that until you have walked in my shoes don't judge.  Even people who have been thru infertility, all of our journeys are different.  I have also had people say that we should adopt from the US...and to that I would say that God's children are all different colors and in all different places and for us China is the right choice....but if you want to adopt then feel free to adopt from the US.  All I can say is that this is right for us and I am not trying to force anyone into making the same decisions that we made. 

I want to end this blog by saying that it is in the tough times that you see just how much people mean to you and I couldn't have gotten thru any of this without my Jason!!!  He will never read this and will never know any of this but I want any of you who are the Jasons for someone else to realize that every single thing that you do is appreciated even if it isn't expressed.  I would also like to say that everyone's journey is different but that is what makes it great!!!!