Ok, well I have been agonizing over this decision for a little while now but it is finally made....let me take you back!!! A few months ago I was on a walk at the state lake by my house, it wasn't out of the ordinary for me to be walking out there. At the end of the walk as I was almost to my mail box I noticed a car drive past and I kept walking noticing that they turned around and were headed back. Well I turned down my road and so did the car and stopped next to me. It was a guy that had moved to Collinsville but when he lived in Nashville he went to church with us. Anyway he asked about our adoption and said that he had a relative that was in the process of getting her second child from China and that her experience had been great and he thought she might be a good reference for us. So I got her name and figured I probably wouldn't talk to her but it might be neat to read her story as lots of people that adopt do blogs as well. So I did what anyone would do and facebooked her name. Well eventually her and I began chatting on facebook. I was immediately shocked by her adoption timeline...it was obvious that God had really designed her story as it was an unheard of timeline. I immediately started thinking about whether I was with the right agency. I just couldn't believe that someone could have the experience that she had. In talking to her though I met another lady that adopted using the same agency and her story was very similar. Just an amazing experience that you just don't usually hear about.
So I started praying about what all this means for us. I put it on the back burner and was just going to pray about it. Well in the mean time I had some things pop up with my social worker, things that she should have known but that I ended up teaching her. I have never adopted before and she is a social worker in charge of adoption....she should have known this stuff. That started to make me question the relationship with my agency as I just didn't feel right with them. Ever since the convo with the social worker at the beginning where she basically said that maybe I should find a new agency...I just haven't felt like they were on my team...I felt more like I was walking on egg shells trying to keep them happy so that they didn't kick me out of their agency. Well this put me into really praying about whether we were with the right agency. So...I began asking others to pray with me. Well I have been doing research and talking to the agency and what I really like is that basically they are a China Special Needs agency...they aren't dipping in the domestic and all of that...their heart is really for the China Special Needs children. They go to China and have relationships with 3 orphanages where they get all the referrals from those institutes....and they also participate in the shared list. So.....today clarity came. I can't tell you what happened. I can tell you that I haven't slept well in 3 days just seriously stressing over this but today it just became clear!! I met these ladies all because it was God's plan and I really feel like we have been led to this new agency. I am just trusting even tho it is really scary!!! So....I will spend the next couple of weeks getting all the stuff together to change agencies. For those wondering, we don't start over...we will basically pick up where we are however because this agency is smaller we will get more attention and should get things moving faster. So please continue to pray for us that this is where God wants us to be. Also pray that we are one step closer to meeting Mabry.
Friday, August 23, 2013
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Waiting isn't that fun
Well there is no real news about the process as we are still waiting for the international team to approve our home study. Our social worker said today that they must have gotten hit with a bunch at one time...ugh. After they approve it, we will then submit it to DCFS to be approved but once approved by the international team the DCFS approval is certain, just a step that has to be done.
I tried to order Cardinal tshirts that you can personalize and have Mabry and 47 put on the back but a week later I got an email saying that they couldnt' make those because basically since Mabry is retired they can no longer use his name and number. I then stopped by the Cardinal Store at the mall where you can buy jerseys and have a players name and number put on the back. I explained my story to the lady at the desk and she said that even though she wasn't suppose to she would do it for me because of our story. SO I bought all 4 jerseys before she could change her mind. It was like Christmas to get those Jerseys!!!! I do want to get a red cardinals jersey in a toddlers size for her and have it personalized at that same store. The lady said that they didn't have a red one that small but if I found one she would personalize it for me. So I will see if I can find it. How cute would it be for us to all wear it the day she returns off the plane and for her to have one on too!!!!! I sure hope it all works out!!!
So here we are just waiting but that is something that God is really helping me with. I am becoming much more aware that this is just the way the process is, I cannot change it, and therefore I just have to go with the flow and things will happen when they are meant to happen!!! I have been watching youtube videos of "gotcha days" and found a video where they went to the childs orphanage.....I will say that there will be many tears shed in China....both happy and excited tears but also tears of sadness for the ones left behind. Definitely a very eye opening experience so far and I cannot even imagine the lessons on the horizon. Remember that ALL the money raised from the tshirts go to the orphanage....Mabry is a lucky one that will get a loving family but there are many that remain and we want to do our part to help them.
I tried to order Cardinal tshirts that you can personalize and have Mabry and 47 put on the back but a week later I got an email saying that they couldnt' make those because basically since Mabry is retired they can no longer use his name and number. I then stopped by the Cardinal Store at the mall where you can buy jerseys and have a players name and number put on the back. I explained my story to the lady at the desk and she said that even though she wasn't suppose to she would do it for me because of our story. SO I bought all 4 jerseys before she could change her mind. It was like Christmas to get those Jerseys!!!! I do want to get a red cardinals jersey in a toddlers size for her and have it personalized at that same store. The lady said that they didn't have a red one that small but if I found one she would personalize it for me. So I will see if I can find it. How cute would it be for us to all wear it the day she returns off the plane and for her to have one on too!!!!! I sure hope it all works out!!!
So here we are just waiting but that is something that God is really helping me with. I am becoming much more aware that this is just the way the process is, I cannot change it, and therefore I just have to go with the flow and things will happen when they are meant to happen!!! I have been watching youtube videos of "gotcha days" and found a video where they went to the childs orphanage.....I will say that there will be many tears shed in China....both happy and excited tears but also tears of sadness for the ones left behind. Definitely a very eye opening experience so far and I cannot even imagine the lessons on the horizon. Remember that ALL the money raised from the tshirts go to the orphanage....Mabry is a lucky one that will get a loving family but there are many that remain and we want to do our part to help them.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Just a quick update!!
So just a quick update!! I got a message via the portal from our social worker yesterday letting me know that the agency has approved our home study and now it is sent off for the international team to approve. Once approved by the international team (she said probably about a week), then we will be on to getting our Dossier (packet) together and then we send that to China. Now the Dossier is simple forms for the most part, much easier then the home study, just busy work because things have to be state sealed (in springfield) and also notarized. Also you have to get new birth certificates and things because they have to be marked within 6 months. So all of that will have to be done over. No worries I can handle busy work!!! So this is great news and if all goes well then in a couple weeks I will be on a mission to get my Dossier together!!!! Once we send it to China, we will get confirmation on the day that they receive it which is known as your LID or Log in Date. Once you have one of these then you are eligible to receive a referral!! Getting a referral is a lot like trying to get pregnant, they do referrals once a month and if you don't get one then you wait for the next month to try again!!! So basically it will just be a waiting game. I will get into more detail about all of that when that time comes but right now just know that things are happening although it doesn't really seem like it!!! Knowing that we might be a couple weeks away from starting the dossier just seems crazy to me!!! I checked my records and we got our formal application approved on March 26 and here it is August 9 and we are only a couple weeks away from preparing for our final step before we are just waiting!!!! God is so good.
Thanks for following this journey and we are excited about the stuff that is yet to come...and btw...please buy a tshirt!!!!! It is for a great cause and we would greatly appreciate it!!!! I have Small, Med, Large, and XL in stock in my car and any other size I will be more than happy to order!!!!!! Please get a hold of me if you are interested...they are $20
Thanks for following this journey and we are excited about the stuff that is yet to come...and btw...please buy a tshirt!!!!! It is for a great cause and we would greatly appreciate it!!!! I have Small, Med, Large, and XL in stock in my car and any other size I will be more than happy to order!!!!!! Please get a hold of me if you are interested...they are $20
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Sorry it took so long
Ok so I have several things to say for this blog so I am sorry if this gets lengthy but there is some good info at the end that you might want to know so bear with me!! I have literally been having this blog run thru my head over and over and I knew that I needed to do it but when I would sit down the words just weren't right. So I have decided to just go for it and hope that it comes out the way I want it to!!!
I will start by a little update. Home visits are FINISHED!!! She has 1 month to get the report written and approved and then hopefully we will move right along to the Dossier which is the packet that goes to China!!! The 3rd and final visit was pretty painless other than the fact that she interviewed our boys without us present!!! She apparently just asked Grady if he would share his toys with his new little sister to which I believe he actually answered yes!!! Connor was as sweet as ever though as the social worker had to tell us 2 of his answers!! She said that she asked him if he felt like we were good parents and he replied "they are the best parents that I know". She also asked him what he thinks about having a sister that doesn't look like him and he said "it doesn't matter what she looks like, just what is in her heart". That is just soooo connor!!! The social worker said she would have thought it was rehearsed if not for his face when he said it. So she said down with Jason and I just for a bit longer and just like that the home visits were over!!! She did say that she might have forgotten a few things so I have been watching the portal for a question or two but nothing yet.
Ok so I have been getting a great deal of response to this adoption, I have received ALOT of questions and I first want to say that I LOVE the questions!!! They always start with "do you mind if I ask you a few questions" and the answer is always NOT AT ALL. At this point I have very limited information as we are still in the middle of it but I am willing to give you any information that I have or any advice that I can!! Please know that international adoption and domestic are quite a bit different so I am probably no help with that!! Along with the questions though I get a lot of "you guys are amazing" or "what an amazing thing that you guys are doing" or "there will be many jewels on your crown in heaven" and let me say this is just not the case AT ALL. I am a planner and as a child I thought I had my life all planned out!!! I have always wanted to be a mommy and when that happened I just assumed that God will let me life be as perfect as I had dreamed. However, years of infertility and 6 miscarriages was definitely NOT in my plans!!! When I got pregnant with Chesney though life was finally going to end the way I had planned. I was going to have the 3 kids that Jason and I had agreed on, I was going to have my 2 boys and finally a little girl. All of my children were going to be white headed little kids running around and life was perfect again!!! Losing Chesney was never in the plan! Having a tombstone at a cemetery that I am forever attached to was not the plan. This morning Pastor Danny spoke on Jesus and how if we believe He was God then we must believe that He is sovereign. That yes it is true that He healed the blind man, but it is also true that He made that man blind, let him live blind for 30 years so that everyone would know he was blind, and then healed him for His glory!!!!! God doesn't promise life is going to be this perfect little bubble just because we are followers, in fact if you read the bible the men that followed Jesus side by side on His time on earth didn't have a perfect life AT ALL.....some were stoned, beheaded and even skinned alive. So who am I to think that my life is going to be perfect!!! So back to my point, less than 8 months ago I had my life all figured out and none of it had to do with fundraisers for an orphanage, mountains of paperwork, invasive interviews in my home, and flying across the world....but it did include finishing my family with my daughter. This is where God stepped in. God LITERALLY blew doors closed and opened and left no doubt for either Jason or myself that this adoption was exactly where He wanted us to be...although it was no our plan it was His. So you see us adopting a special needs daughter from an orphanage in China was NEVER in our plans so we are not these great people doing great things and hoping to get rewarded. We are simply being obedient. So what you mistake for greatness is simply obedience. Not everyone is called to leave the US and live in a place like Chad Africa and be a missionary....not everyone is called to go to China and adopt a special needs child....not everyone is called to do the same things....all that God asks is that what we are called to we are to be obedient!! So that's where we are....we are so excited to get MeiMei even though she wasn't exactly what we had planned she is EXACTLY what God planned so it is going to be even better then we could have imagined!!! I love the Christian author Lysa TerKeurst so I will end this part of the blog with a quote from her that fits this just soooo well!!!!
“One thing you can be assured of is that God has already worked out all the details of what your obedience will accomplish-and it is good. We need not fear what our obedience will cause to happen in our life. We should only fear what our disobedience will cause us to miss.”
Finally I have a little something exciting to share!!! I am from a small town of 350 people, so everyone knows everyone and everything. There was a special little boy that basically affected everyone in St Peter's life, his name was Alex Wodtka. Now let me say that because I was a child during all of this I am going to tell it as I remember and if any of my facts are absolutely perfect then I'm sorry!! Anyway, Alex was born with a heart defect on April 1. He had a heart transplant and was a sweet little boy with a huge future. It's not my place to give his entire story and isn't necessary for this story anyway. Alex ended up in St Louis where he would eventually pass to be with the Lord, but while he was there he had a "wish" to meet Mark McGwire. This was around 1998 and McGwire was who all little boys wanted to meet. However, because he was who he was he wasn't able/chose not to go to the hospital to meet him. BUT Fred Bird went along with John Mabry. I was a Junior in high school during this time and this was a HUGE character building moment for me. I never want to be seen the way McGwire was seen in our small little town....like he just couldn't take the time to see this little boy that just wanted to meet him because he was a good ball player. I also learned that I wanted to be the kind of person that John Mabry was and wanted to teach my kids that you are never too busy to be there for someone else. So I had the picture of Alex, Fred Bird and Mabry in a collage frame in my dorm room thru college because it was a defining moment of sorts. So when we were trying to find a name for MeiMei I immediately fell in love with the name Mabry. So our little China doll will be named Mabry and therefore the boys could still call her MeiMei if they choose to. I hope that I can teach my children to be great examples of their faith and also have the compassion that John Mabry had to go to the hospital even when he wasn't the one that was asked to go!!! Lets just say that I might have to buy a Mabry cardinals jersey for all 4 of us for the airport.....you are all welcome to sport yours too....lol.
By the way...tshirts are still for sale......
I will start by a little update. Home visits are FINISHED!!! She has 1 month to get the report written and approved and then hopefully we will move right along to the Dossier which is the packet that goes to China!!! The 3rd and final visit was pretty painless other than the fact that she interviewed our boys without us present!!! She apparently just asked Grady if he would share his toys with his new little sister to which I believe he actually answered yes!!! Connor was as sweet as ever though as the social worker had to tell us 2 of his answers!! She said that she asked him if he felt like we were good parents and he replied "they are the best parents that I know". She also asked him what he thinks about having a sister that doesn't look like him and he said "it doesn't matter what she looks like, just what is in her heart". That is just soooo connor!!! The social worker said she would have thought it was rehearsed if not for his face when he said it. So she said down with Jason and I just for a bit longer and just like that the home visits were over!!! She did say that she might have forgotten a few things so I have been watching the portal for a question or two but nothing yet.
Ok so I have been getting a great deal of response to this adoption, I have received ALOT of questions and I first want to say that I LOVE the questions!!! They always start with "do you mind if I ask you a few questions" and the answer is always NOT AT ALL. At this point I have very limited information as we are still in the middle of it but I am willing to give you any information that I have or any advice that I can!! Please know that international adoption and domestic are quite a bit different so I am probably no help with that!! Along with the questions though I get a lot of "you guys are amazing" or "what an amazing thing that you guys are doing" or "there will be many jewels on your crown in heaven" and let me say this is just not the case AT ALL. I am a planner and as a child I thought I had my life all planned out!!! I have always wanted to be a mommy and when that happened I just assumed that God will let me life be as perfect as I had dreamed. However, years of infertility and 6 miscarriages was definitely NOT in my plans!!! When I got pregnant with Chesney though life was finally going to end the way I had planned. I was going to have the 3 kids that Jason and I had agreed on, I was going to have my 2 boys and finally a little girl. All of my children were going to be white headed little kids running around and life was perfect again!!! Losing Chesney was never in the plan! Having a tombstone at a cemetery that I am forever attached to was not the plan. This morning Pastor Danny spoke on Jesus and how if we believe He was God then we must believe that He is sovereign. That yes it is true that He healed the blind man, but it is also true that He made that man blind, let him live blind for 30 years so that everyone would know he was blind, and then healed him for His glory!!!!! God doesn't promise life is going to be this perfect little bubble just because we are followers, in fact if you read the bible the men that followed Jesus side by side on His time on earth didn't have a perfect life AT ALL.....some were stoned, beheaded and even skinned alive. So who am I to think that my life is going to be perfect!!! So back to my point, less than 8 months ago I had my life all figured out and none of it had to do with fundraisers for an orphanage, mountains of paperwork, invasive interviews in my home, and flying across the world....but it did include finishing my family with my daughter. This is where God stepped in. God LITERALLY blew doors closed and opened and left no doubt for either Jason or myself that this adoption was exactly where He wanted us to be...although it was no our plan it was His. So you see us adopting a special needs daughter from an orphanage in China was NEVER in our plans so we are not these great people doing great things and hoping to get rewarded. We are simply being obedient. So what you mistake for greatness is simply obedience. Not everyone is called to leave the US and live in a place like Chad Africa and be a missionary....not everyone is called to go to China and adopt a special needs child....not everyone is called to do the same things....all that God asks is that what we are called to we are to be obedient!! So that's where we are....we are so excited to get MeiMei even though she wasn't exactly what we had planned she is EXACTLY what God planned so it is going to be even better then we could have imagined!!! I love the Christian author Lysa TerKeurst so I will end this part of the blog with a quote from her that fits this just soooo well!!!!
“One thing you can be assured of is that God has already worked out all the details of what your obedience will accomplish-and it is good. We need not fear what our obedience will cause to happen in our life. We should only fear what our disobedience will cause us to miss.”
Finally I have a little something exciting to share!!! I am from a small town of 350 people, so everyone knows everyone and everything. There was a special little boy that basically affected everyone in St Peter's life, his name was Alex Wodtka. Now let me say that because I was a child during all of this I am going to tell it as I remember and if any of my facts are absolutely perfect then I'm sorry!! Anyway, Alex was born with a heart defect on April 1. He had a heart transplant and was a sweet little boy with a huge future. It's not my place to give his entire story and isn't necessary for this story anyway. Alex ended up in St Louis where he would eventually pass to be with the Lord, but while he was there he had a "wish" to meet Mark McGwire. This was around 1998 and McGwire was who all little boys wanted to meet. However, because he was who he was he wasn't able/chose not to go to the hospital to meet him. BUT Fred Bird went along with John Mabry. I was a Junior in high school during this time and this was a HUGE character building moment for me. I never want to be seen the way McGwire was seen in our small little town....like he just couldn't take the time to see this little boy that just wanted to meet him because he was a good ball player. I also learned that I wanted to be the kind of person that John Mabry was and wanted to teach my kids that you are never too busy to be there for someone else. So I had the picture of Alex, Fred Bird and Mabry in a collage frame in my dorm room thru college because it was a defining moment of sorts. So when we were trying to find a name for MeiMei I immediately fell in love with the name Mabry. So our little China doll will be named Mabry and therefore the boys could still call her MeiMei if they choose to. I hope that I can teach my children to be great examples of their faith and also have the compassion that John Mabry had to go to the hospital even when he wasn't the one that was asked to go!!! Lets just say that I might have to buy a Mabry cardinals jersey for all 4 of us for the airport.....you are all welcome to sport yours too....lol.
By the way...tshirts are still for sale......
Monday, July 1, 2013
Second home visit
Alright so we had our second and most dreaded visit and I can say we survived!!! It was as they explained they questioned each of us individually for over an hour. I'm sure you are all shocked to hear that Jason took longer than mine lol. The questions ranged from the members of our family, past relationships, deaths in our family, infertility, how we fight, what we fight about, strengths and weaknesses of us and our spouse and on and on. Basically every detail of your life is fair game. I can see why they warn you that you might get emotional but since I talk about our fertility stuff all the time, I survived.
So we have this week off and then our final visit with our social worker is on the 11th. She will then have a couple weeks to write report and then on to dossier!!!!!!!!! Dossier is the paperwork that we have to send to china. So basically it is a much smaller stack of papers and we get the state seal and notarized as needed and then mail to china and get a log in date (LID). One we have an LID we are officially a waiting family!!!!!! This process is moving right along and we couldn't be more happy!!!!
I want to tough on the tshirts again. We are not fundraising to pay for our adoption but we want our friends and family to be involved in this process and we also want to be able to help the orphanage that we get meimei from to take tremendous care of future babies waiting for their forever family. Please consider getting a shirt for your entire family!!!! They are $20 and come in any size you could want!!! You can contact me or anyone in my family!!! Also I have order forms at the dental office if u want to get one or maybe make copies and put them at your place of business!!!!! Also feel free to request order forms if you want to get some group orders!!!! It really is a great cause and we really want to show how much we appreciate these people caring for our daughter!!!! I am thinking about setting up a Facebook page for the adoption updates and also would love for you that order shirts to take a picture of your family in the shirts and post on our page!!! I will post more information on that when I get it going. In the meantime, please sell and buy the shirts!!! If I am going to reach my goal of 300 shirts I am going to need for all of you to buy them, put order forms in your work and ask everyone you know if they have bought one yet!!!! Thanks to all of you that have already ordered one, I cannot wait to see your pictures!!!!!!!
Monday, June 24, 2013
1st home visit
Well we officially survived our first home visit!!!!! This one was actually a very easy visit and it seems the only one that we are dreading is the second one which is already this thursday!!!! This is the visit where they take you individually and grill you for about an hour and a half each she said....also they don't want the kids in the house as it can be "heavy topics". All I know is that I don't know what in the world all of this is for....but it's the process and therefore we have to do it!!!! The first visit she walked thru our house and when we sat down to talk it was basically reasking the questions that we filled out in our paperwork so that was fine. The only shocking question so far was when she asked about our guardians we chose for our kids in case we die....that was fine as I guess I see why they want to make sure all of that is set up....but hey needed to know what their annual income was. So are you telling me that they have to meet an ideal income when they are simply stepping in to raise our kids because we have died.....seems crazy to me. However, they are fully qualified so it all worked out fine!!!!
I also wanted to touch on one of the fundraisers we are doing for an orphanage donation. I want to first say that we know how the government runs the orphanages and therefore we will use this money the way our agency advises. Jason's office is going to donate special bottles for babies with cleft lip and palate so that we can give those to the orphanage but there are many needs for baby items. So if they think we should take the money in china and buy a bunch of formula, bottles, clothes or whatever that is what we will do. As of now I am just going to start an account that will all be given to them in one fashion or another. So right now we are selling tshirts specifically designed for this adoption!!! The outline over the words on front is the outline of China. The shirts are $20 and yes I know that is quite an expensive tshirt but remember that this money is going to something really great and you get a tshirt in return!!!!! We spend $20 on things for our kids that will eventually not be appreciated and thrown away......so if that is your hang up I ask that you pray about it and maybe your heart will be opened. We are so blessed here in our little bubble that it is so hard to even fathom the basic needs not being met for other children. I remember a mom that I know that returned from getting her daughter in China and she said "we don't have starving kids right here among us so when you feel that in your hands it is so hard to even explain". You see they aren't starving the kids because they are mean nannies at an orphanage that take out their anger on babies....they are under feeding them because they don't have the means to feed them what they really need. So I like to say that we are NOT all called to adopt, but we are ALL called to help orphans.....so please consider buying a tshirt for your whole family!!!! I know it's asking alot but just consider it!!!! I will attach a picture of the front/back of the tshirt and if you are interested then message me and we can also ship the shirts to you for an additional $2, so NO EXCUSES ;)
I also wanted to touch on one of the fundraisers we are doing for an orphanage donation. I want to first say that we know how the government runs the orphanages and therefore we will use this money the way our agency advises. Jason's office is going to donate special bottles for babies with cleft lip and palate so that we can give those to the orphanage but there are many needs for baby items. So if they think we should take the money in china and buy a bunch of formula, bottles, clothes or whatever that is what we will do. As of now I am just going to start an account that will all be given to them in one fashion or another. So right now we are selling tshirts specifically designed for this adoption!!! The outline over the words on front is the outline of China. The shirts are $20 and yes I know that is quite an expensive tshirt but remember that this money is going to something really great and you get a tshirt in return!!!!! We spend $20 on things for our kids that will eventually not be appreciated and thrown away......so if that is your hang up I ask that you pray about it and maybe your heart will be opened. We are so blessed here in our little bubble that it is so hard to even fathom the basic needs not being met for other children. I remember a mom that I know that returned from getting her daughter in China and she said "we don't have starving kids right here among us so when you feel that in your hands it is so hard to even explain". You see they aren't starving the kids because they are mean nannies at an orphanage that take out their anger on babies....they are under feeding them because they don't have the means to feed them what they really need. So I like to say that we are NOT all called to adopt, but we are ALL called to help orphans.....so please consider buying a tshirt for your whole family!!!! I know it's asking alot but just consider it!!!! I will attach a picture of the front/back of the tshirt and if you are interested then message me and we can also ship the shirts to you for an additional $2, so NO EXCUSES ;)
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Love
So I have been wanting to write this specific blog for awhile now but it just never felt like the right time. Today being fathers day and Tuesday being our wedding anniversary seems like the perfect time. I want to start by saying that Jason doesn't even read my blog so this is not to get mushy with my husband, but rather I can give you a glimpse into his perspective.
The background needed for this blog is that after we had Connor, Jason was a GREAT dad. He really loved it and was just naturally good at it. I will never forget his face the day that all of our children were born but especially when we had Connor. That was the first time I had ever seen that face on him....that pure love....Connor didn't have to do anything and Jason was just totally in love. Now I have always dreamed of a house full of kids and have always wanted to be a mom. Therefore, infertility really was hard for me to deal with. So after Connor when we went thru YEARS of infertility it was really hard. I would always bring up adoption and Jason wouldn't even consider it. His stance was that if God wanted us to have more we would, and that we should just feel blessed to have Connor. Now I have always felt blessed to have Connor, but when you are a woman and are dealing with infertility, I really don't believe it matters if you already have 1, 2, 3 or no kids, it is ALWAYS hard. After we had Grady, Jason was finished. I almost died during my delivery with Grady because of a placental abruption and Grady also was lucky to have survived. Therefore, Jason felt that it was best to be finished. BUT we had agreed that if our second was a boy I would get to try one more time for a girl, but if it were a girl then we would be finished. Well we all know that Grady was a boy!!! So I held him to that!!!! We dealt with much more infertility and then got pregnant with Chesney and we all know how that went.
So this is where I am going to start sharing a little glimpse of Jason's feelings. So the weekend before I delivered Chesney I had noticed that she wasn't moving. I hadn't felt her really all that consistently yet but I just had noticed that I hadn't felt her. So Monday I decided to call our home health nurse that came to give me my shots every week. She said that legally since I was 20 weeks she had to have me see my dr. So, I called my dr and they weren't concerned at all but wanted me to come in for a quick heartbeat check. So off Grady and I went to the dr over an hour away at St Johns Mercy. We got there and they took me back and the nurse checked and didn't find the heart beat....not rattled she had someone else came in who did an ultrasound...she didn't say anything and went and got the dr to do another ultrasound....and then she said those words "I'm sorry honey, there is no heartbeat". I immediately was hysterical and they took Grady to get a snack and gave me a bit more information. They said that they could tell that it had been recent. So....they sent me downstairs to confirm it by an ultrasound technician. On the way out of the office Jason called from work to check on me. I could barely speak when I was telling him so the dr took the phone and explained to him and said that they could either send me home and have me come back in the morning or they could immediately admit me. So he told them to admit me as he didn't want me to drive myself home and that he would cancel the rest of his patients and get there as soon as possible. He also took care of calling our family and setting up my mom to get Grady for me and then getting Connor also. So after another ultrasound they admitted me to labor and delivery. Well Jason got there that evening and the process began. I had obviously never been thru this before so neither of us knew what we were getting into. We assumed as many of you I'm sure do that since she was so small that it wouldn't be painful and that it would be fast...WRONG!!! I'm sure by now following my blogs you know that I was induced Monday evening and had steady contractions until Wednesday at almost 2pm when I delivered her. Because she was breach and so small I was having a hard time progressing. Anyway Jason was amazing. It was Jason, my dad, and I in the room the entire time and I finally got an epideral because the foley bulb was too much for me to deal with. So long story short I delivered her without any medical people in the room. I felt something, had Jason check and he said "Courtney don't move, I think she's here". Ok so what does that mean you think....what does she look like, does it now look like a baby. So my dad darted out of the room and the medical staff came in. I know I have said how amazing they were but they really were. Jason walked over to look at her laying on the blanket and he was seriously great. As you can imagine we had no idea what to expect but it was much better then either of us expected.
I know you are all wondering where is this blog going...I'm getting there I promise!!! Literally when I was in the intense part of my labor and before the epideral Jason looked at me and said...I never want to see you go thru anything like this again, we are going to look into adoption when we are done with this. Those are words that I never thought I would hear from him. It was at that moment that God's plan was becoming a little bit clearer. Now dont' get me wrong...it didn't make that trauma any less....but it just showed me that God is still in control. God was all over that hospital room. I will do another blog to explain all of that but today I will just say that we felt him so many times it was crazy!!!! So I delivered Chesney on Wed around 2 and they finally let me go home that evening late. Jason was thrilled to get home and be in our bed, I was a little apprehensive because I was prepared to bring home a baby so it was very sad...but a couple of my friends had come and cleaned my house, done my laundry and put my baby stuff in the basement for me. So that really helped!!!! Jason was off on Thursday because that is his normal day off. That afternoon I was looking thru the history on our computer which I do all the time because I have an 8 year old and I want to make sure I am checking on him. Well in checking that I saw that Jason had googled "How to help a wife who lost a child" and also "how to help my grieving wife". It was at that moment that I realized that for him it was more important that he be strong for me and that he really wanted to have the right words to say to me. Very sweet!!!
It didn't take long for me to remind Jason of that conversation in the hospital room. Adoption!!!! Although it totally has taken Jason out of his comfort zone he knows that it is something that I have to do. I can't end like this. I can't end with sadness. Our family had a little sister for 20 short weeks and now it only feels right to complete our family with our little MeiMei. The process is long and grueling but we both know that in the end it is going to make us stronger as a family and also complete our family. I had someone tell me that I had lost my mind because I immediately went into the adoption mode, and that I didn't grieve. I would say to that until you have walked in my shoes don't judge. Even people who have been thru infertility, all of our journeys are different. I have also had people say that we should adopt from the US...and to that I would say that God's children are all different colors and in all different places and for us China is the right choice....but if you want to adopt then feel free to adopt from the US. All I can say is that this is right for us and I am not trying to force anyone into making the same decisions that we made.
I want to end this blog by saying that it is in the tough times that you see just how much people mean to you and I couldn't have gotten thru any of this without my Jason!!! He will never read this and will never know any of this but I want any of you who are the Jasons for someone else to realize that every single thing that you do is appreciated even if it isn't expressed. I would also like to say that everyone's journey is different but that is what makes it great!!!!
The background needed for this blog is that after we had Connor, Jason was a GREAT dad. He really loved it and was just naturally good at it. I will never forget his face the day that all of our children were born but especially when we had Connor. That was the first time I had ever seen that face on him....that pure love....Connor didn't have to do anything and Jason was just totally in love. Now I have always dreamed of a house full of kids and have always wanted to be a mom. Therefore, infertility really was hard for me to deal with. So after Connor when we went thru YEARS of infertility it was really hard. I would always bring up adoption and Jason wouldn't even consider it. His stance was that if God wanted us to have more we would, and that we should just feel blessed to have Connor. Now I have always felt blessed to have Connor, but when you are a woman and are dealing with infertility, I really don't believe it matters if you already have 1, 2, 3 or no kids, it is ALWAYS hard. After we had Grady, Jason was finished. I almost died during my delivery with Grady because of a placental abruption and Grady also was lucky to have survived. Therefore, Jason felt that it was best to be finished. BUT we had agreed that if our second was a boy I would get to try one more time for a girl, but if it were a girl then we would be finished. Well we all know that Grady was a boy!!! So I held him to that!!!! We dealt with much more infertility and then got pregnant with Chesney and we all know how that went.
So this is where I am going to start sharing a little glimpse of Jason's feelings. So the weekend before I delivered Chesney I had noticed that she wasn't moving. I hadn't felt her really all that consistently yet but I just had noticed that I hadn't felt her. So Monday I decided to call our home health nurse that came to give me my shots every week. She said that legally since I was 20 weeks she had to have me see my dr. So, I called my dr and they weren't concerned at all but wanted me to come in for a quick heartbeat check. So off Grady and I went to the dr over an hour away at St Johns Mercy. We got there and they took me back and the nurse checked and didn't find the heart beat....not rattled she had someone else came in who did an ultrasound...she didn't say anything and went and got the dr to do another ultrasound....and then she said those words "I'm sorry honey, there is no heartbeat". I immediately was hysterical and they took Grady to get a snack and gave me a bit more information. They said that they could tell that it had been recent. So....they sent me downstairs to confirm it by an ultrasound technician. On the way out of the office Jason called from work to check on me. I could barely speak when I was telling him so the dr took the phone and explained to him and said that they could either send me home and have me come back in the morning or they could immediately admit me. So he told them to admit me as he didn't want me to drive myself home and that he would cancel the rest of his patients and get there as soon as possible. He also took care of calling our family and setting up my mom to get Grady for me and then getting Connor also. So after another ultrasound they admitted me to labor and delivery. Well Jason got there that evening and the process began. I had obviously never been thru this before so neither of us knew what we were getting into. We assumed as many of you I'm sure do that since she was so small that it wouldn't be painful and that it would be fast...WRONG!!! I'm sure by now following my blogs you know that I was induced Monday evening and had steady contractions until Wednesday at almost 2pm when I delivered her. Because she was breach and so small I was having a hard time progressing. Anyway Jason was amazing. It was Jason, my dad, and I in the room the entire time and I finally got an epideral because the foley bulb was too much for me to deal with. So long story short I delivered her without any medical people in the room. I felt something, had Jason check and he said "Courtney don't move, I think she's here". Ok so what does that mean you think....what does she look like, does it now look like a baby. So my dad darted out of the room and the medical staff came in. I know I have said how amazing they were but they really were. Jason walked over to look at her laying on the blanket and he was seriously great. As you can imagine we had no idea what to expect but it was much better then either of us expected.
I know you are all wondering where is this blog going...I'm getting there I promise!!! Literally when I was in the intense part of my labor and before the epideral Jason looked at me and said...I never want to see you go thru anything like this again, we are going to look into adoption when we are done with this. Those are words that I never thought I would hear from him. It was at that moment that God's plan was becoming a little bit clearer. Now dont' get me wrong...it didn't make that trauma any less....but it just showed me that God is still in control. God was all over that hospital room. I will do another blog to explain all of that but today I will just say that we felt him so many times it was crazy!!!! So I delivered Chesney on Wed around 2 and they finally let me go home that evening late. Jason was thrilled to get home and be in our bed, I was a little apprehensive because I was prepared to bring home a baby so it was very sad...but a couple of my friends had come and cleaned my house, done my laundry and put my baby stuff in the basement for me. So that really helped!!!! Jason was off on Thursday because that is his normal day off. That afternoon I was looking thru the history on our computer which I do all the time because I have an 8 year old and I want to make sure I am checking on him. Well in checking that I saw that Jason had googled "How to help a wife who lost a child" and also "how to help my grieving wife". It was at that moment that I realized that for him it was more important that he be strong for me and that he really wanted to have the right words to say to me. Very sweet!!!
It didn't take long for me to remind Jason of that conversation in the hospital room. Adoption!!!! Although it totally has taken Jason out of his comfort zone he knows that it is something that I have to do. I can't end like this. I can't end with sadness. Our family had a little sister for 20 short weeks and now it only feels right to complete our family with our little MeiMei. The process is long and grueling but we both know that in the end it is going to make us stronger as a family and also complete our family. I had someone tell me that I had lost my mind because I immediately went into the adoption mode, and that I didn't grieve. I would say to that until you have walked in my shoes don't judge. Even people who have been thru infertility, all of our journeys are different. I have also had people say that we should adopt from the US...and to that I would say that God's children are all different colors and in all different places and for us China is the right choice....but if you want to adopt then feel free to adopt from the US. All I can say is that this is right for us and I am not trying to force anyone into making the same decisions that we made.
I want to end this blog by saying that it is in the tough times that you see just how much people mean to you and I couldn't have gotten thru any of this without my Jason!!! He will never read this and will never know any of this but I want any of you who are the Jasons for someone else to realize that every single thing that you do is appreciated even if it isn't expressed. I would also like to say that everyone's journey is different but that is what makes it great!!!!
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