SO....let me start with a little background for this blog. I was raised in a small town where you wave to the person you meet driving down the road, on a nice day you went for a drive just because, you headed home for dinner when the church bell chimed throughout the town, and you showed up for church and sunday school on sunday mornings. This wasn't something that was an option...well at least not at my house. I am forever thankful for this part of my childhood...probably the most important thing that my mom and grandparents did in my life. I also attended the Lutheran school that my church had and that is the second best thing that my family did for me...I wish that my boys could grow up and attend this school. My character was developed and nurtured here and my innocence was cherished. As a mother I wish that I could give my kids this kind of innocence...the world takes it away too fast these days and you have to be very intentional about keeping this for your children.
When I went off to college I had to find a church to attend because this small country church was no longer an option...so I tried many out and found one that fit and I attended there. If you ask me to this day I will say that I have been a Christian since I was a child. I wasn't raised in a church where you had a HUGE MOMENT where you prayed a prayer to accept Jesus as your savior...although I have always known that He was my God. Now fast forward to the fall of 2005...we had just moved to Nashville over the summer and I seriously will never forget the event that changed my "religious view" forever. I had started attending LCC because I liked the style of contemporary worship and I liked how welcoming the people were and being new to town it was exactly what I needed. Well I had been invited to a bunco game with some women in the community and one of the women there was someone that went to LCC so I knew who she was. We were actually developing a friendship at the time and oddly enough her husband had went to the same SMALL high school that I went to...although he was MUCH older hehehehe. Anyway, her name was Carrie Ford, and her and her husband Ryan had 2 kids at the time (they now have 3). Her kids were very young in fact her oldest was probably 3 at the time and her youngest was 1. We were at this bunco night and she was collecting donations for a mission trip that she was preparing to go on. She was headed to Moldova. I remember that night going home and telling Jason that I didn't understand how a mom with kids that young could leave her kids at home to travel that far...why not let the people with older kids or no kids do that. How could she leave the responsibility on her husband while she is gone and how amazing that he didn't seem to be upset at all...in fact he was supporting her. I remember that those words almost burned my tongue as I said them...seriously it was like immediately I was convicted with "Courtney how can she not go???" God was totally telling me that I was being ridiculous to believe that He couldn't or wouldn't use someone for Him just because we don't think it is the right time. I remember that day so vividly because that was the day that I finally understood the RELATIONSHIP that God wants from us...the total abandonment of ourselves for Him.
OK>...so on with my blog...sorry I am long winded today!!! This morning I was in church and I have been in a funk for the past few days because this Friday would have been my due date with Chesney. I have been bitter when people talk about the 19th and what they have planned for that day without even noticing how that should have been a wonderful day for our family. I have been annoyed that people are already starting to forget her and I hate that!!! Well as I was singing during worship this morning it hit me that unless my family and friends get to heaven, they will NEVER know Chesney. They will never see the gorgeous little girl that Jason and I saw. They will never know who she is or hear her sweet voice. I was so overwhelmed with this emotion that I knew immediately that I needed to blog about this. I know that this is probably making some of you uncomfortable and you are probably thinking that you didn't sign up for a pastors blog but rather a fertility or adoption blog...but this is so important to me that I had to say it.
Pastor Danny spoke from Romans 12 today and I don't want to put you thru a sermon but there are a few things that I want to hit on. The bible tells us that if we are truly transformed by the Spirit we will be a living sacrifice to God. Now in the old testament a sacrifice was made for the atonement of ones sins. That work that they did showed obedience and atoned for their sin. When Jesus came to this earth, took on flesh and bore our sin...ultimately died and rose from the grave the sacrifice was complete. There is no longer anything that you or I can do to earn our salvation or atone for our sins...Jesus did it!!! But the bible also tells us that if we believe all of that good news....we believe that Jesus was God, came to earth in flesh, died on the cross for our sins and rose from the grave...then our lives will be changed. We will bear the fruits of the spirit. If a tree is alive it is growing and bearing fruit but if a tree isn't growing then it is dying. I guess my point is for years I knew that Jesus died and was my God...I knew that I couldn't earn my way to heaven, and I knew that I was a Christian...what I didn't understand is the relationship and how we die to every part of ourselves and if you are a follower of Christ it isn't that God might work through you...it's that he WILL work through you!!!! God uses every situation that you face to glorify Him!!!! Being transformed is giving up control of our lives and telling God that you will do what he wants no matter how it makes you feel. God is infinitely better and infinitely wiser then we are!!! If you get cancer you use it to glorify God, if you have a successful job you use it to glorify God, if you lose a child you use it to glorify God....and that is what I am choosing to do......TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!!
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Thursday, April 4, 2013
MeiMei
Alright...I know that I just blogged not too long ago but I wanted to make sure to get this story out there because I figure people that know my children will be asking about it!!! SO....we have been trying to think of what to call the "little sister" from China, since we don't have a name and we don't even know who she is yet. It is really important that she has a name because Grady was getting really confused because we talk about baby Chesney being in heaven but then we talk about little sister in China. So he began to say that Baby Chesney was in China....well I didn't like that because it was almost like he was going to think that baby Chesney in heaven didn't really exist and I didn't want her to be forgotten so I knew we had to think of something. So...I looked up Chinese for little sister which is MeiMei (pronounced MayMay). Well this was perfect....it is easy for Grady to say and both boys could use this....so from now on we are going to refer to our China Doll as MeiMei until she has an official name!!! This will not be her name....but it is a way that the boys can talk about their "little sister" without being confused about Chesney who is in heaven.
I sent a video to a few people today where I asked Grady who his sisters were and he said Chesney in Heaven and MeiMei in China...this is exactly as it should be. She may be gone but her presence for those short months was very real for us and for our boys....she also made the adoption of MeiMei possible. God really used her to change our family and we know that she will forever be a big part of our family. I want to make sure that the boys remember that she existed and that we loved her.
So...if you see my boys and either of them talk about MeiMei...just know that this isn't going to be her name....but it's what we are going to lovingly refer to her as until she has an official name...which will be much much later after we see her sweet face!!! Also if you just want a good laugh and you know Grady ask him about it...it is so cute to hear him talk about it!!!!
I sent a video to a few people today where I asked Grady who his sisters were and he said Chesney in Heaven and MeiMei in China...this is exactly as it should be. She may be gone but her presence for those short months was very real for us and for our boys....she also made the adoption of MeiMei possible. God really used her to change our family and we know that she will forever be a big part of our family. I want to make sure that the boys remember that she existed and that we loved her.
So...if you see my boys and either of them talk about MeiMei...just know that this isn't going to be her name....but it's what we are going to lovingly refer to her as until she has an official name...which will be much much later after we see her sweet face!!! Also if you just want a good laugh and you know Grady ask him about it...it is so cute to hear him talk about it!!!!
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
oh the paperwork
Although we have only just begun I am amazed at the amount of paperwork being required!!! We have already done the preliminary application and formal application and are now beginning the home study. We received the home study packet paperwork yesterday. I of course immediately printed it out thinking I would get it finished and get to move on. Boy was I shocked at the amount of paperwork lol. So Jason and I sat down last night and started knocking them out....we really had a huge stack of the finished but the stack yet to do is even bigger lol. We also found out that during this process we have to get "credits" by reading books and writing a paper on it or doing a class online. You are required a certain amount of these before the home study is finished, between home study and referral, and between referral and travel. Seems totally crazy that we are thinking about travel already when it will probably be 2 years before that but I really think the process is going to move along pretty quick since there is SOOOO much BUSY WORK!!!
So as I understand it during the home study we are basically getting clearance from the IL government that we are ok to adopt....then we will do our dossier, which in our house I am not allowed to use that word because jason hates it...I have no idea why...so we call it the packet....and that is a TON more paperwork that we have to do that basically gives us the Federal clearance. Also talked to one of the people we put as a referral yesterday and he received an email from the agency with a form he had to fill out about us. You know most of the time you put references down for jobs or apartments and they are never called...but this agency is being thorough and I assume they contacted all 6 of our references!! We also have to have a letter written for each of our children by someone that knows them well. I guess they want to see how well adjusted they are and also what kind of parents we are. So, today I need to start mailing back some of the paperwork that we have finished and put the copies of what is finished in my binder. So the binder....
On friday night I went to the house of the family I told you I followed while they were in China and that is the turning point that God showed me that adoption is the right direction for us. Well I got to meet their sweet adorable daughter.....man oh man did my heart smile!!! I am so excited to have our little China doll home!!! Anyway, I got to look thru her finished paperwork and get a good handle on the best way to organized the amount of paperwork that would be required...and boy was she organized!!! So.....I am doing that as I go and someday our little girl might want to look thru this as our boys like to look thru their baby book or hear stories about when I was pregnant with them. I have also started writing a little journal page every day about what we are doing that day or things that happened that day....because she could be born any day and when we see what her birth date is I want to be able to look back and see what we were doing that day!!!
We have started really talking to the boys about this and making sure that they are on board and let me tell you...they are BOTH so excited!!! I asked them yesterday if they wanted us to get them a sister from China and they both ecstatically proclaimed YES!!! I asked Connor what he wanted to name her and he said "Ni Hao"...which for those of you that don't know yet, that means hello in Chinese...it is basically the only Chinese I have told them...well that and that GeGe is brother....they think that is so funny because they call their grandma gladson GiGi. So anyway I told Connor that we probably couldn't name her hello....so he agreed to think on it some more!! It was so sweet though because he asked me if they have to keep this a secret like they did when we found out we were pregnant with Chesney......I love that boy, he has the most tender heart....I said nope Connor you can tell whoever you want!!! Connor has already told us that he really wants to go to China with us to see the great wall of china....and although I would love to take him just not sure about that yet. We will have to make that decision at a much later date.
So....I am sure that all of this paperwork isn't going to be very interesting to all of you but I am going to blog about it just so that I have it to print later for our little China doll to read. The next few weeks will consist of getting passports, getting our marriage license, continuing paperwork, fingerprints, background checks and starting our education credits. If there is anyone out there that is thinking about adoption I will say this. Although it isn't an easy process at all, it is definitely something that any one could do if they really wanted to!!! I am to the point where the excitement is so great that all the busy work just keeps my mind off of the long process so I think it helps to have this overwhelming amount of paperwork!! I would also say pick a good agency because they can help at least keep you organized with what you have done and what you still have to do!! And the last amount of advice I would give you is to find someone that has done it before and ask them a million questions. Last friday was so educational for me and also like therapy....it was great to see the finished product or at least talk to someone that knows exactly what I am going thru. I can't wait to be that person that gets to help someone else thru the process!!!!
So as I understand it during the home study we are basically getting clearance from the IL government that we are ok to adopt....then we will do our dossier, which in our house I am not allowed to use that word because jason hates it...I have no idea why...so we call it the packet....and that is a TON more paperwork that we have to do that basically gives us the Federal clearance. Also talked to one of the people we put as a referral yesterday and he received an email from the agency with a form he had to fill out about us. You know most of the time you put references down for jobs or apartments and they are never called...but this agency is being thorough and I assume they contacted all 6 of our references!! We also have to have a letter written for each of our children by someone that knows them well. I guess they want to see how well adjusted they are and also what kind of parents we are. So, today I need to start mailing back some of the paperwork that we have finished and put the copies of what is finished in my binder. So the binder....
On friday night I went to the house of the family I told you I followed while they were in China and that is the turning point that God showed me that adoption is the right direction for us. Well I got to meet their sweet adorable daughter.....man oh man did my heart smile!!! I am so excited to have our little China doll home!!! Anyway, I got to look thru her finished paperwork and get a good handle on the best way to organized the amount of paperwork that would be required...and boy was she organized!!! So.....I am doing that as I go and someday our little girl might want to look thru this as our boys like to look thru their baby book or hear stories about when I was pregnant with them. I have also started writing a little journal page every day about what we are doing that day or things that happened that day....because she could be born any day and when we see what her birth date is I want to be able to look back and see what we were doing that day!!!
We have started really talking to the boys about this and making sure that they are on board and let me tell you...they are BOTH so excited!!! I asked them yesterday if they wanted us to get them a sister from China and they both ecstatically proclaimed YES!!! I asked Connor what he wanted to name her and he said "Ni Hao"...which for those of you that don't know yet, that means hello in Chinese...it is basically the only Chinese I have told them...well that and that GeGe is brother....they think that is so funny because they call their grandma gladson GiGi. So anyway I told Connor that we probably couldn't name her hello....so he agreed to think on it some more!! It was so sweet though because he asked me if they have to keep this a secret like they did when we found out we were pregnant with Chesney......I love that boy, he has the most tender heart....I said nope Connor you can tell whoever you want!!! Connor has already told us that he really wants to go to China with us to see the great wall of china....and although I would love to take him just not sure about that yet. We will have to make that decision at a much later date.
So....I am sure that all of this paperwork isn't going to be very interesting to all of you but I am going to blog about it just so that I have it to print later for our little China doll to read. The next few weeks will consist of getting passports, getting our marriage license, continuing paperwork, fingerprints, background checks and starting our education credits. If there is anyone out there that is thinking about adoption I will say this. Although it isn't an easy process at all, it is definitely something that any one could do if they really wanted to!!! I am to the point where the excitement is so great that all the busy work just keeps my mind off of the long process so I think it helps to have this overwhelming amount of paperwork!! I would also say pick a good agency because they can help at least keep you organized with what you have done and what you still have to do!! And the last amount of advice I would give you is to find someone that has done it before and ask them a million questions. Last friday was so educational for me and also like therapy....it was great to see the finished product or at least talk to someone that knows exactly what I am going thru. I can't wait to be that person that gets to help someone else thru the process!!!!
Monday, March 25, 2013
something special
Jason and I are doing a nightly devotional with the boys (mostly Connor obviously) entitled "The One Year Devotions for BOYS". So last night we sat down to do the lesson and it was on Romans 8:26-31. Well the lesson went a little like this....a boy complaining to his grandma while she is baking about how life isn't fair and if God loved him he wouldn't let all this bad stuff happen to him. Well the Grandma gave the lesson about how if you try the cocoa, shortening, flour, raw eggs or baking soda on their own they would be pretty gross...but when you put them together they make something special. The basic take away was the Bible says that all things work together for good in the life of a Christian but it doesn't promise all things to be good. It asked if you had swallowed some bitter experiences lately....and said to be patient because all the ingredients aren't in yet so you can't taste the final result yet.
Wow....that was divine intervention. What a great opportunity to talk about the bitter experience that we have all went thru lately.....our sweet Chesney. I keep hearing how strong I am and the truth is that it stinks that we had to go thru that. And I would be lying if there was a moment that I thought because of the 6 miscarriages that once we were out of the "danger zone" we would be fine. But God chose for that crappy thing to happen to our family for a reason.....it was a raw egg in our life and we are just sitting back waiting for God to put the other ingredients in so that we can finally eat the cake. Although we never saw Chesney breathing, we loved her and it sure stinks that her due date is approaching and that is a sad thing not an exciting thing. However, I know that God is leading us to the adoption process and once all the ingredients are in we are going to be happier then we could ever imagine. Although April 19, 2013 isn't going to be such an exciting day...there will be a day in the future that we will get a phone call to check our email and see the child that could be ours. I know that one day we will look into the eyes of our child and know that she is the one that God hand chose to finish our family!! This devotion was merely a great ice breaker to talk to Connor about Chesney and how it is alright to be sad....we all are....but we trust that God is going to use this experience for His good.
So have you tasted bitter experiences lately??? Give it time for God to get all of your ingredients in so that you can feast on the yummy cake that is your life!!! God uses all things for His purpose.......
Wow....that was divine intervention. What a great opportunity to talk about the bitter experience that we have all went thru lately.....our sweet Chesney. I keep hearing how strong I am and the truth is that it stinks that we had to go thru that. And I would be lying if there was a moment that I thought because of the 6 miscarriages that once we were out of the "danger zone" we would be fine. But God chose for that crappy thing to happen to our family for a reason.....it was a raw egg in our life and we are just sitting back waiting for God to put the other ingredients in so that we can finally eat the cake. Although we never saw Chesney breathing, we loved her and it sure stinks that her due date is approaching and that is a sad thing not an exciting thing. However, I know that God is leading us to the adoption process and once all the ingredients are in we are going to be happier then we could ever imagine. Although April 19, 2013 isn't going to be such an exciting day...there will be a day in the future that we will get a phone call to check our email and see the child that could be ours. I know that one day we will look into the eyes of our child and know that she is the one that God hand chose to finish our family!! This devotion was merely a great ice breaker to talk to Connor about Chesney and how it is alright to be sad....we all are....but we trust that God is going to use this experience for His good.
So have you tasted bitter experiences lately??? Give it time for God to get all of your ingredients in so that you can feast on the yummy cake that is your life!!! God uses all things for His purpose.......
Friday, March 22, 2013
Full disclosure
Late February into early March, a couple from Nashville went to China to pick up there little girl!!! She is gorgeous!!! While they were there the mom blogged about their trip on a popular adoption site. I followed that blog every day that they were there and I found that I couldn't wait to see what the next post was. I was almost jealous that I was going to miss out on that experience. I knew how excited I was about surrogacy but for some reason I was just obsessed with their trip to China. The entire thing appealed to me. Well the day that they got home, I told Jason that I was bummed that I wouldn't get to read about their experience any more. I would miss checking their blog 5 times a day to see if there was anything new. Well...that was the same day that I got the call from Dr Odem saying that my blood work was bad. I really believe that was the calmness that came over me instantly. I knew immediately that our journey wasn't over, it was just gonna change. Jason and I thought that China adoption was going to be our path originally...but then we were blessed with Kelly's offer. God totally knows what I need more than I do!!! He knew that I needed that path explored and closed in order for my entire heart to be into the adoption that lied ahead of us!!!
So...I have been debating this week about whether or not I was going to continue this blog. I know that some of you read this because you are curious, and some read it because I tell them too and they don't really care. All in all the world would keep turning without my confusing, rambling blog....so I wasn't sure if I should put all of this out there or not. I was talking to a wise friend tonight and I asked her what she thought...she wisely said "if you don't document the process, you will look back and regret it"....and she followed by saying "and you better let me read it". SO I thought she is sooo right....I do want my thoughts down on paper. The blog is something that I can print and put together into a binder and I will be able to show my daughter one day just how much we wanted her. Exactly what I was thinking during this long process.
SO...the process. On March 18th, Jason and I submitted our formal application to Bethany Christian Services to adopt a little girl from China. Now we submitted thru the "waiting child" list which is a MUCH shorter wait then the regular baby adoption. A baby adoption is a 7 year wait once you get ALL the paperwork done and are "logged in". The waiting child program is also called the "special needs" program. In china a baby with a mole or birth mark is considered special needs. So we fill out on a check list what we are willing to look at and what we aren't comfortable with. With this program there is probably a year wait once we are "logged in". My goal is to be logged in by the end of the year but that is really going to be pushing it because of how much you have to do and how long everything takes!!! But realistically we could be going to pick up our daughter in 2 years. Also with this program the youngest we will be bringing home will probably be a 2 year old. This was a hang up at first for me, but then I started thinking that in 2 years Chesney would be 2....this is exactly what God is planning I just know it. It just feels right this time. On March 22 (today) we got word that our formal application was accepted and we are now in the waiting child program for China. We are waiting for a little girl ages 0-2 and cannot wait to see who she is!!!! Think about that...she might be born right now and her mom might be deciding to give her up....she might not even be born yet....we just don't know but cannot wait until we get to see her picture!!!
So here is the quick explanation of how this works. Basically we will be jumping thru hoops for the next several months. We have to have a home study, finger prints, background, check, passports, birth certificates, marriage certificates, immigration paperwork, you name it we will be doing it. Once we are "logged in" we just wait. Some unknown day at an unknown time we will get a phone call saying that they have a referral for us to consider...that will be followed by an email with her picture and the limited information that they have on her. Then we will have to decide if she is the missing member to our family. I just feel like I will know as soon as I see her!!! So....this journey at the beginning probably won't be that interesting to the majority of you. I just want a place that I can keep track of what we are doing when and how long this process took!!! I also want to be able to look back at my feelings throughout the entire process!!! This will also end with a 2 week stay in China which I am also excited about!!
For those of you that are thinking what many have already said let me just address this now. "why don't you adopt from the US, there are many kids here that need good homes"....We have 2 biological children which doesn't make us good candidates for US adoption....also after all the sadness and disappointment, I just cannot handle worrying the entire pregnancy if the mom is going to change her mind. I think that there are many people who are right for the US adoption process....it just isn't something that I can handle so China is the right choice for us. Plus I am so excited about a dark headed little girl!!! My little China Doll!!!!
So...I have been debating this week about whether or not I was going to continue this blog. I know that some of you read this because you are curious, and some read it because I tell them too and they don't really care. All in all the world would keep turning without my confusing, rambling blog....so I wasn't sure if I should put all of this out there or not. I was talking to a wise friend tonight and I asked her what she thought...she wisely said "if you don't document the process, you will look back and regret it"....and she followed by saying "and you better let me read it". SO I thought she is sooo right....I do want my thoughts down on paper. The blog is something that I can print and put together into a binder and I will be able to show my daughter one day just how much we wanted her. Exactly what I was thinking during this long process.
SO...the process. On March 18th, Jason and I submitted our formal application to Bethany Christian Services to adopt a little girl from China. Now we submitted thru the "waiting child" list which is a MUCH shorter wait then the regular baby adoption. A baby adoption is a 7 year wait once you get ALL the paperwork done and are "logged in". The waiting child program is also called the "special needs" program. In china a baby with a mole or birth mark is considered special needs. So we fill out on a check list what we are willing to look at and what we aren't comfortable with. With this program there is probably a year wait once we are "logged in". My goal is to be logged in by the end of the year but that is really going to be pushing it because of how much you have to do and how long everything takes!!! But realistically we could be going to pick up our daughter in 2 years. Also with this program the youngest we will be bringing home will probably be a 2 year old. This was a hang up at first for me, but then I started thinking that in 2 years Chesney would be 2....this is exactly what God is planning I just know it. It just feels right this time. On March 22 (today) we got word that our formal application was accepted and we are now in the waiting child program for China. We are waiting for a little girl ages 0-2 and cannot wait to see who she is!!!! Think about that...she might be born right now and her mom might be deciding to give her up....she might not even be born yet....we just don't know but cannot wait until we get to see her picture!!!
So here is the quick explanation of how this works. Basically we will be jumping thru hoops for the next several months. We have to have a home study, finger prints, background, check, passports, birth certificates, marriage certificates, immigration paperwork, you name it we will be doing it. Once we are "logged in" we just wait. Some unknown day at an unknown time we will get a phone call saying that they have a referral for us to consider...that will be followed by an email with her picture and the limited information that they have on her. Then we will have to decide if she is the missing member to our family. I just feel like I will know as soon as I see her!!! So....this journey at the beginning probably won't be that interesting to the majority of you. I just want a place that I can keep track of what we are doing when and how long this process took!!! I also want to be able to look back at my feelings throughout the entire process!!! This will also end with a 2 week stay in China which I am also excited about!!
For those of you that are thinking what many have already said let me just address this now. "why don't you adopt from the US, there are many kids here that need good homes"....We have 2 biological children which doesn't make us good candidates for US adoption....also after all the sadness and disappointment, I just cannot handle worrying the entire pregnancy if the mom is going to change her mind. I think that there are many people who are right for the US adoption process....it just isn't something that I can handle so China is the right choice for us. Plus I am so excited about a dark headed little girl!!! My little China Doll!!!!
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
toughest blog yet....
Well...I sit here with a heavy heart to write this specific blog. If I'm being honest I would have to say that I have been putting this off for a week now!!! So on March 5 just a little bit after I wrote my last blog I got a call from Dr Odem's office. The nurse was on the other line and she said "Courtney, we got the blood test back and the results were alarming". Immediately I am thinking, what in the world did I have blood testing done for?? All I knew was it was routine and nothing to worry about....and that he was fine just moving forward even before we got the results back....so what in the world was so alarming???? She went on to say that my AMH level, which apparently tells them what kind of quality of eggs remaining you have was VERY low. So low that I am in the 10% of women who are 45.....so basically this test showed that an average 45 year old has more eggs then I have. How in the world did that happen?? I have to say with full discretion that right before I found out that I was pregnant with CHesney I had this test ran and I had a ton of eggs....so how did this happen in such a short amount of time?? Well that is a question that I just won't ever have an answer for. She went on to say that when my next cycle started there were 2 more tests that I could have done and that I wasn't ruled out yet as a candidate for IVF.
Well I spend the afternoon processing that and packing to head to KY lake.....well on the way to KY lake my phone rang and it was a blocked number...from my experience that is NEVER good. This time it was Dr Odem himself. I wasn't expecting his call so I found it odd that he was calling after hours like this on my cell phone. He said that he wanted to have a seriously talk. GREAT....I am getting sick of serious talks with Drs....anyway, he said that there were these 2 other tests that I could have done and with me being so young the quality of my eggs MIGHT be good enough that the number won't matter. He then went on to say "Courtney, I am just afraid that you have been thru enough". He said that if I was his daughter and she was in the exact situation as me he would advise her to not go thru with this surrogacy cycle. Not because it is impossible....nothing is impossible....but because of all the disappointment that we have already been thru and the odds that were piled against. He also said that since this isn't a regular IVF but a surrogacy we would have already spent so much money with legal and meds before we even know if I am going to get any eggs. Now let me start by saying that I believe that God gives you these IMPOSSIBLE situations in order to perform miracles. I have seen my fair share of miracles that is for sure!!!! So I am not making this decision out of fear of this not working, or hopelessness but rather peace. When I got off the phone, Jason asked me what that was all about. I calmly told him exactly what Dr Odem had just said and he looked at me and said "how are you so calm and doing so well". Well the answer to that is God. Seriously if any of you know me, you know that this kind of information would destroy me. I love being a mom so much and wanted nothing more then a little girl that I could hang out with when the boys are hunting or fishing. But for some reason when I got that call, I was filled with peace.
Now don't get me wrong I am sad that we are closing this chapter of surrogacy....I mean seriously this would have been a great journey and I know that God could have provided had this been His plan for us....but the peace that I felt had to have come from God and I believe that is my sign that this isn't the right path for our family.
So what does this mean?? Well it means that we have a lot to talk about as a family and a lot to pray about. I am not sure where this will lead us exactly but I know that we will share our decision when it feels right and is made. I just ask that you pray for us and that we see clearly the plan that we feel God is laying out for us. I also want to say that the offer that Kelly made for our family is something that I just can't even process.....I mean such a sacrifice and act of love. Although this journey didn't happen it doesn't make her decision any less heroic in my book!!!
Thanks and sorry for the sad news!!
Well I spend the afternoon processing that and packing to head to KY lake.....well on the way to KY lake my phone rang and it was a blocked number...from my experience that is NEVER good. This time it was Dr Odem himself. I wasn't expecting his call so I found it odd that he was calling after hours like this on my cell phone. He said that he wanted to have a seriously talk. GREAT....I am getting sick of serious talks with Drs....anyway, he said that there were these 2 other tests that I could have done and with me being so young the quality of my eggs MIGHT be good enough that the number won't matter. He then went on to say "Courtney, I am just afraid that you have been thru enough". He said that if I was his daughter and she was in the exact situation as me he would advise her to not go thru with this surrogacy cycle. Not because it is impossible....nothing is impossible....but because of all the disappointment that we have already been thru and the odds that were piled against. He also said that since this isn't a regular IVF but a surrogacy we would have already spent so much money with legal and meds before we even know if I am going to get any eggs. Now let me start by saying that I believe that God gives you these IMPOSSIBLE situations in order to perform miracles. I have seen my fair share of miracles that is for sure!!!! So I am not making this decision out of fear of this not working, or hopelessness but rather peace. When I got off the phone, Jason asked me what that was all about. I calmly told him exactly what Dr Odem had just said and he looked at me and said "how are you so calm and doing so well". Well the answer to that is God. Seriously if any of you know me, you know that this kind of information would destroy me. I love being a mom so much and wanted nothing more then a little girl that I could hang out with when the boys are hunting or fishing. But for some reason when I got that call, I was filled with peace.
Now don't get me wrong I am sad that we are closing this chapter of surrogacy....I mean seriously this would have been a great journey and I know that God could have provided had this been His plan for us....but the peace that I felt had to have come from God and I believe that is my sign that this isn't the right path for our family.
So what does this mean?? Well it means that we have a lot to talk about as a family and a lot to pray about. I am not sure where this will lead us exactly but I know that we will share our decision when it feels right and is made. I just ask that you pray for us and that we see clearly the plan that we feel God is laying out for us. I also want to say that the offer that Kelly made for our family is something that I just can't even process.....I mean such a sacrifice and act of love. Although this journey didn't happen it doesn't make her decision any less heroic in my book!!!
Thanks and sorry for the sad news!!
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
3 months already
As I sit here to write this I have a heavy heart. How is it even possible that it has already been 3 months since that nightmare happened??? I'm also feeling very anxious as I know that April is not going to be a fun month for me. April was suppose to be the month that we delivered the perfect finish to our family!!! April was suppose to be the month that I could buy cute little girl things, bows, shoes, dresses, blankets, and everything pink!!!! April was suppose to be the month that we could put all this fertility stuff behind us!!! The entire journey is just TOO much.....just a LONG journey that I am ready to have closure with and really just be done. We were suppose to see what she would look like, would her eyes be blue like Connors or brown like Grady's....would she have white hair like connor or blonde like grady. I will say that we did get some closure as I can tell you that she had Connor's nose and I think really resembled Connor. She also had very blonde eye brows.
I am very excited about this surrogacy journey but there is still apart of me that is so ready to get it over with so that we will know either way if this chapter is over or if we get to be excited/anxious thru a pregnancy. Either way I am ready to know and it be final!!!
I had a friend ask a group of us what we wanted to be when we were younger. I have always wanted to be a mommy!! I am so blessed to be able to be at home with my kids and really experience them daily!! It is ironic that this is what I love so much and am so blessed to get to do it but it has been the thing that I have struggled with the most. Although I have no doubt God was in control of all of this!!! I always wanted my kids close together and was bummed that Connor and Grady were going to be 6 years apart due to infertility. However, when I look at the big picture, I was so blessed that Connor was in kindergarten during Grady's NICU stay because I got to be really present during the day with Grady and then went home and got to have time with Connor. Neither of them had to sacrifice their mom or feel left out!! What a blessing!! I wasn't torn between the two places...well obviously I was because I wanted to be at the hospital all day and night and at home but at least I got to give them both my time every single day!!! Then when I was pregnant with Chesney, Jason and I made a NICU plan in case that was needed. That would have meant Grady going to daycare during the day and then I would be home at night.....not exactly fun but it would have been fine!! well now I look at this opportunity with Kelly being a GC and think how weird it will be if she gets pregnant. It will be so weird to not have to drive over and hour one way to go see a high risk dr for every appt!! Also Jason and I talk about how weird it will be to have a baby delivered in a regular hospital 30 min from our house and not over at a hospital with a NICU that is over an hour away.
We are so blessed and trust me, I totally know it!!! Today is just one of those days that I really have Chesney on my mind and who she would have been. My due date was April 19 so I also think that I could have had her already....she could be here right now. Anyway, this too shall pass!!! Sorry for the bummer blog today!!!
I am very excited about this surrogacy journey but there is still apart of me that is so ready to get it over with so that we will know either way if this chapter is over or if we get to be excited/anxious thru a pregnancy. Either way I am ready to know and it be final!!!
I had a friend ask a group of us what we wanted to be when we were younger. I have always wanted to be a mommy!! I am so blessed to be able to be at home with my kids and really experience them daily!! It is ironic that this is what I love so much and am so blessed to get to do it but it has been the thing that I have struggled with the most. Although I have no doubt God was in control of all of this!!! I always wanted my kids close together and was bummed that Connor and Grady were going to be 6 years apart due to infertility. However, when I look at the big picture, I was so blessed that Connor was in kindergarten during Grady's NICU stay because I got to be really present during the day with Grady and then went home and got to have time with Connor. Neither of them had to sacrifice their mom or feel left out!! What a blessing!! I wasn't torn between the two places...well obviously I was because I wanted to be at the hospital all day and night and at home but at least I got to give them both my time every single day!!! Then when I was pregnant with Chesney, Jason and I made a NICU plan in case that was needed. That would have meant Grady going to daycare during the day and then I would be home at night.....not exactly fun but it would have been fine!! well now I look at this opportunity with Kelly being a GC and think how weird it will be if she gets pregnant. It will be so weird to not have to drive over and hour one way to go see a high risk dr for every appt!! Also Jason and I talk about how weird it will be to have a baby delivered in a regular hospital 30 min from our house and not over at a hospital with a NICU that is over an hour away.
We are so blessed and trust me, I totally know it!!! Today is just one of those days that I really have Chesney on my mind and who she would have been. My due date was April 19 so I also think that I could have had her already....she could be here right now. Anyway, this too shall pass!!! Sorry for the bummer blog today!!!
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