So I have been wanting to write this specific blog for awhile now but it just never felt like the right time. Today being fathers day and Tuesday being our wedding anniversary seems like the perfect time. I want to start by saying that Jason doesn't even read my blog so this is not to get mushy with my husband, but rather I can give you a glimpse into his perspective.
The background needed for this blog is that after we had Connor, Jason was a GREAT dad. He really loved it and was just naturally good at it. I will never forget his face the day that all of our children were born but especially when we had Connor. That was the first time I had ever seen that face on him....that pure love....Connor didn't have to do anything and Jason was just totally in love. Now I have always dreamed of a house full of kids and have always wanted to be a mom. Therefore, infertility really was hard for me to deal with. So after Connor when we went thru YEARS of infertility it was really hard. I would always bring up adoption and Jason wouldn't even consider it. His stance was that if God wanted us to have more we would, and that we should just feel blessed to have Connor. Now I have always felt blessed to have Connor, but when you are a woman and are dealing with infertility, I really don't believe it matters if you already have 1, 2, 3 or no kids, it is ALWAYS hard. After we had Grady, Jason was finished. I almost died during my delivery with Grady because of a placental abruption and Grady also was lucky to have survived. Therefore, Jason felt that it was best to be finished. BUT we had agreed that if our second was a boy I would get to try one more time for a girl, but if it were a girl then we would be finished. Well we all know that Grady was a boy!!! So I held him to that!!!! We dealt with much more infertility and then got pregnant with Chesney and we all know how that went.
So this is where I am going to start sharing a little glimpse of Jason's feelings. So the weekend before I delivered Chesney I had noticed that she wasn't moving. I hadn't felt her really all that consistently yet but I just had noticed that I hadn't felt her. So Monday I decided to call our home health nurse that came to give me my shots every week. She said that legally since I was 20 weeks she had to have me see my dr. So, I called my dr and they weren't concerned at all but wanted me to come in for a quick heartbeat check. So off Grady and I went to the dr over an hour away at St Johns Mercy. We got there and they took me back and the nurse checked and didn't find the heart beat....not rattled she had someone else came in who did an ultrasound...she didn't say anything and went and got the dr to do another ultrasound....and then she said those words "I'm sorry honey, there is no heartbeat". I immediately was hysterical and they took Grady to get a snack and gave me a bit more information. They said that they could tell that it had been recent. So....they sent me downstairs to confirm it by an ultrasound technician. On the way out of the office Jason called from work to check on me. I could barely speak when I was telling him so the dr took the phone and explained to him and said that they could either send me home and have me come back in the morning or they could immediately admit me. So he told them to admit me as he didn't want me to drive myself home and that he would cancel the rest of his patients and get there as soon as possible. He also took care of calling our family and setting up my mom to get Grady for me and then getting Connor also. So after another ultrasound they admitted me to labor and delivery. Well Jason got there that evening and the process began. I had obviously never been thru this before so neither of us knew what we were getting into. We assumed as many of you I'm sure do that since she was so small that it wouldn't be painful and that it would be fast...WRONG!!! I'm sure by now following my blogs you know that I was induced Monday evening and had steady contractions until Wednesday at almost 2pm when I delivered her. Because she was breach and so small I was having a hard time progressing. Anyway Jason was amazing. It was Jason, my dad, and I in the room the entire time and I finally got an epideral because the foley bulb was too much for me to deal with. So long story short I delivered her without any medical people in the room. I felt something, had Jason check and he said "Courtney don't move, I think she's here". Ok so what does that mean you think....what does she look like, does it now look like a baby. So my dad darted out of the room and the medical staff came in. I know I have said how amazing they were but they really were. Jason walked over to look at her laying on the blanket and he was seriously great. As you can imagine we had no idea what to expect but it was much better then either of us expected.
I know you are all wondering where is this blog going...I'm getting there I promise!!! Literally when I was in the intense part of my labor and before the epideral Jason looked at me and said...I never want to see you go thru anything like this again, we are going to look into adoption when we are done with this. Those are words that I never thought I would hear from him. It was at that moment that God's plan was becoming a little bit clearer. Now dont' get me wrong...it didn't make that trauma any less....but it just showed me that God is still in control. God was all over that hospital room. I will do another blog to explain all of that but today I will just say that we felt him so many times it was crazy!!!! So I delivered Chesney on Wed around 2 and they finally let me go home that evening late. Jason was thrilled to get home and be in our bed, I was a little apprehensive because I was prepared to bring home a baby so it was very sad...but a couple of my friends had come and cleaned my house, done my laundry and put my baby stuff in the basement for me. So that really helped!!!! Jason was off on Thursday because that is his normal day off. That afternoon I was looking thru the history on our computer which I do all the time because I have an 8 year old and I want to make sure I am checking on him. Well in checking that I saw that Jason had googled "How to help a wife who lost a child" and also "how to help my grieving wife". It was at that moment that I realized that for him it was more important that he be strong for me and that he really wanted to have the right words to say to me. Very sweet!!!
It didn't take long for me to remind Jason of that conversation in the hospital room. Adoption!!!! Although it totally has taken Jason out of his comfort zone he knows that it is something that I have to do. I can't end like this. I can't end with sadness. Our family had a little sister for 20 short weeks and now it only feels right to complete our family with our little MeiMei. The process is long and grueling but we both know that in the end it is going to make us stronger as a family and also complete our family. I had someone tell me that I had lost my mind because I immediately went into the adoption mode, and that I didn't grieve. I would say to that until you have walked in my shoes don't judge. Even people who have been thru infertility, all of our journeys are different. I have also had people say that we should adopt from the US...and to that I would say that God's children are all different colors and in all different places and for us China is the right choice....but if you want to adopt then feel free to adopt from the US. All I can say is that this is right for us and I am not trying to force anyone into making the same decisions that we made.
I want to end this blog by saying that it is in the tough times that you see just how much people mean to you and I couldn't have gotten thru any of this without my Jason!!! He will never read this and will never know any of this but I want any of you who are the Jasons for someone else to realize that every single thing that you do is appreciated even if it isn't expressed. I would also like to say that everyone's journey is different but that is what makes it great!!!!
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Saturday, June 8, 2013
China program
So on Thursday June 6 we received a message in our portal. Now the portal is what Bethany uses to communicate with their families instead of email. This way there are no secrets...everyone at bethany can see ALL communication as it is like a private message board with each family. You get lots of country info every month thru the portal as well as communicate with all case workers during the process. Ok so this post was an official welcome into the China program. Basically I knew we were entered in the program as soon as our paperwork was approved but to see those words were so exciting!!!! I told Jason that adoption is such a crazy thing because it seems like at any moment something could happen to take the opportunity away. I guess this is a little bit because even when I was pregnant we kind of always waited for something to happen to make it go away....after many miscarriages it just never feels real. That is similar to how I feel about this adoption except it is just test after test that you have to pass. I don't know that everyone that goes thru adoption feels this way but it is definitely how I feel. In fact when I told Jason that getting that message made me feel like this was really going to happen his reply was, "this was going to happen as soon as we decided to do it". I guess adoption is more of a guarantee then being pregnant but still nothing is guaranteed!!!! Just funny how he sees it vs how I see it!!!
After the home visits we will move on and be working with the China team after that. So basically this new team will be the ones that will "match" us with our daughter....although we all know that God really is doing that. What I love about Bethany is that just because you are first on the list doesn't mean you get the first little one that they find that matches your profile. The people at Bethany pray about who they think is the best family for that specific child and yes it is probably going to be someone close to the top of the list but this to me allows God to move.
So a few things coming. I am going to have a huge garage sale at my house at some point...looking like August. I am selling LOTS of baby stuff and clothes and anything else that people want to donate to the cause. All of the money raised will be put in an account to be used as a donation to the orphanage that we pick MeiMei up from. So if there is something around your house that you are wanting to sell but don't want to do the work or care about the money then feel free to donate it to our garage sale for the orphanage!!!! Anything that is not sold will be donated to my church's Hands of Mercy program that gives things away to people in need. Also coming even sooner is a tshirt sale. I designed a charcoal gray tshirt that is amazing!!! All of the money raised from the tshirt sale will be going for a donation to the orphanage as well. Not all of us are called to adopt, but we are ALL called to help orphans. This is a great opportunity to buy a cool tshirt for your entire family and help a great cause!!!! Here's a hint...."Love Crosses Oceans"!!! So I am going to do a small order quickly for family and friends so that there are shirts out there so everyone can take order forms, show off their shirt and help sell them. So look for an order form on fb or in my blog coming soon!!!!!
After the home visits we will move on and be working with the China team after that. So basically this new team will be the ones that will "match" us with our daughter....although we all know that God really is doing that. What I love about Bethany is that just because you are first on the list doesn't mean you get the first little one that they find that matches your profile. The people at Bethany pray about who they think is the best family for that specific child and yes it is probably going to be someone close to the top of the list but this to me allows God to move.
So a few things coming. I am going to have a huge garage sale at my house at some point...looking like August. I am selling LOTS of baby stuff and clothes and anything else that people want to donate to the cause. All of the money raised will be put in an account to be used as a donation to the orphanage that we pick MeiMei up from. So if there is something around your house that you are wanting to sell but don't want to do the work or care about the money then feel free to donate it to our garage sale for the orphanage!!!! Anything that is not sold will be donated to my church's Hands of Mercy program that gives things away to people in need. Also coming even sooner is a tshirt sale. I designed a charcoal gray tshirt that is amazing!!! All of the money raised from the tshirt sale will be going for a donation to the orphanage as well. Not all of us are called to adopt, but we are ALL called to help orphans. This is a great opportunity to buy a cool tshirt for your entire family and help a great cause!!!! Here's a hint...."Love Crosses Oceans"!!! So I am going to do a small order quickly for family and friends so that there are shirts out there so everyone can take order forms, show off their shirt and help sell them. So look for an order form on fb or in my blog coming soon!!!!!
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Elation to Frustration
I expected a roller coaster ride when we signed up for this, heck every one of my pregnancies have been one so why would this be any different. It's amazing how excited I was just over a week ago about finishing my paperwork and now I am frustrated. On May 24, I talked to my agency and was informed that they had received my paperwork and that everything was in place. She said that since Monday was a holiday that tuesday or wednesday I would be hearing from my social worker with our home study approval and then get to schedule our home visits. So Tuesday came and went with no word, and then Wednesday came and still no call. I decided Wed afternoon before they closed I would call my social worker and see if she knew anything yet. She told me that she was so busy that she didn't have time to go over it yet, and that she was told that she should go ahead and schedule my home visits. She said that again she is so busy that my first visit couldn't be until the last thursday of June.....now I know that no one else is keeping score like me, but I got my paperwork done in 7 weeks and now I have to wait 5 weeks from then to even start my home visits. Talk about being bummed out and frustrated!!!! That is just 5 weeks that nothing is being done and that is also 5 weeks longer until we get on the waiting list to wait for our daughter. But since this isn't something that I could change I scheduled our visits. The next day which was Thursday I called the social worker again to see if our home study had been approved yet....not that I am worried but you just want to hear those words when you have spent SO much time getting your information together. Again she told me that she hadn't been able to review it yet. I figured since I had expressed my anxiousness that surely by close on friday I would hear something....NOTHING!!! So I went all weekend again with that knot in my gut just wanting to hear those words!!!
So, Monday came and I decided to call the lady in St Louis at the agency that actually has my paperwork and she wasn't available so I asked to speak with the director. Well I got her machine and left a message just for her to call me....I have come to realize if you tell people what you want it will be much longer to get a call back. So then I called my social worker just to see if she had the answer....for something that was going to take a day to review and get back to me I think giving them over a week is plenty of time. So when she told me again that she hadn't been able to approve it, I wasn't that happy!! I expressed to her that I was getting frustrated because the only time I hear from them is when I call them and I feel like I have to call and call to get any response. She stated that she didn't want to make excuses but that they are short staffed because someone is on maternity leave so obviously the pregnant girls have to come first because they have a deadline. I also told her that I was frustrated that even starting my home visits was going to be a long wait and just expressed the things that were becoming frustrating. She told me that she would try to get back to me after she talked to her boss. So she called me back and told me that she couldn't officially approve the home study yet but that she glanced over it and it looked fine. Ok well that's something....still a little annoying but she was trying. Then she went on to tell me that if I wanted we could do a conference call with her and her boss and discuss whether this was going to be a good fit. She said that if I am already having trouble waiting then maybe adoption or this program wasn't the best decision for me as it is all about waiting.....ok.....momma bear almost came out. I was holding back tears when I expressed to her that I am fully prepared to wait for my daughter but I am not even on the waiting list yet and obviously I want to do everything I can to get on the list sooner then later. I then told her that I felt like I had expressed how I was feeling to her and their solution was to basically what seemed to me as trying to suggest that maybe I should leave their program. I seriously was almost in tears so I just told her that I didn't feel a conference call was necessary and that I would just basically deal with it because this is the path to my daughter.
So.....I get home and Jason is home for lunch and I start to tell him what had just happened and I was still upset. He obviously was upset too as you expect your agency to be advocates for you and want to be your support and what we felt like we got was just people who didn't want to deal with us. Also I feel like I am working so hard to get everything done that I can and they are making me wait 5 weeks....I get that I have to wait but I don't like wasting time to even get to start the process to get to be a waiting family. So while we are talking and he is getting frustrated my phone rings and it is the agency and all of a sudden I remember that I had left a message for the director. I decided not to answer the phone because the last thing I wanted was to be officially kicked out of the agency. Jason insisted that I answer the phone as this is our agency and we need to know that they are on our side. So I did and I am so thankful that I did. On the phone was the director whom we had met because she ran the all day class that we took. She was so nice. I told her I was afraid to talk to her because of what might happen and she said that it was totally fine and she was happy that I expressed my feelings to her. She also said that I wouldn't be black listed for speaking out and that they are short staffed but that just because of that the people using their agency now shouldn't have to suffer. So she was headed into a staff meeting and was going to try to find a solution to the problems. Unfortunately I don't think this is going to make my home visits any sooner but that is just something I am going to have to get over.
It's a tough situation because you want to make sure that you are watching out for your family but at the same time these people decide if you are approved, how long they wait to approve you, and everything else so you don't want to make them mad. I am still frustrated as it is now June 4th and we still haven't been officially approved but again I guess I am just going to have to get over it. I do want to say for all of you that have been thru the process or might be thinking this....I am fully prepared to wait....I just want to get to where we are waiting for our daughter and some of this waiting seems excessive!!!
So here we are.....elation to frustration. I still feel like God led us to this agency and I know that no agency is perfect. We are all human and they can't help it that they have someone on maternity leave. I just know that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for our family and I need to make sure that I stay on top of it.....We can't wait to meet MeiMei and that is what we are doing all of this for.
So, Monday came and I decided to call the lady in St Louis at the agency that actually has my paperwork and she wasn't available so I asked to speak with the director. Well I got her machine and left a message just for her to call me....I have come to realize if you tell people what you want it will be much longer to get a call back. So then I called my social worker just to see if she had the answer....for something that was going to take a day to review and get back to me I think giving them over a week is plenty of time. So when she told me again that she hadn't been able to approve it, I wasn't that happy!! I expressed to her that I was getting frustrated because the only time I hear from them is when I call them and I feel like I have to call and call to get any response. She stated that she didn't want to make excuses but that they are short staffed because someone is on maternity leave so obviously the pregnant girls have to come first because they have a deadline. I also told her that I was frustrated that even starting my home visits was going to be a long wait and just expressed the things that were becoming frustrating. She told me that she would try to get back to me after she talked to her boss. So she called me back and told me that she couldn't officially approve the home study yet but that she glanced over it and it looked fine. Ok well that's something....still a little annoying but she was trying. Then she went on to tell me that if I wanted we could do a conference call with her and her boss and discuss whether this was going to be a good fit. She said that if I am already having trouble waiting then maybe adoption or this program wasn't the best decision for me as it is all about waiting.....ok.....momma bear almost came out. I was holding back tears when I expressed to her that I am fully prepared to wait for my daughter but I am not even on the waiting list yet and obviously I want to do everything I can to get on the list sooner then later. I then told her that I felt like I had expressed how I was feeling to her and their solution was to basically what seemed to me as trying to suggest that maybe I should leave their program. I seriously was almost in tears so I just told her that I didn't feel a conference call was necessary and that I would just basically deal with it because this is the path to my daughter.
So.....I get home and Jason is home for lunch and I start to tell him what had just happened and I was still upset. He obviously was upset too as you expect your agency to be advocates for you and want to be your support and what we felt like we got was just people who didn't want to deal with us. Also I feel like I am working so hard to get everything done that I can and they are making me wait 5 weeks....I get that I have to wait but I don't like wasting time to even get to start the process to get to be a waiting family. So while we are talking and he is getting frustrated my phone rings and it is the agency and all of a sudden I remember that I had left a message for the director. I decided not to answer the phone because the last thing I wanted was to be officially kicked out of the agency. Jason insisted that I answer the phone as this is our agency and we need to know that they are on our side. So I did and I am so thankful that I did. On the phone was the director whom we had met because she ran the all day class that we took. She was so nice. I told her I was afraid to talk to her because of what might happen and she said that it was totally fine and she was happy that I expressed my feelings to her. She also said that I wouldn't be black listed for speaking out and that they are short staffed but that just because of that the people using their agency now shouldn't have to suffer. So she was headed into a staff meeting and was going to try to find a solution to the problems. Unfortunately I don't think this is going to make my home visits any sooner but that is just something I am going to have to get over.
It's a tough situation because you want to make sure that you are watching out for your family but at the same time these people decide if you are approved, how long they wait to approve you, and everything else so you don't want to make them mad. I am still frustrated as it is now June 4th and we still haven't been officially approved but again I guess I am just going to have to get over it. I do want to say for all of you that have been thru the process or might be thinking this....I am fully prepared to wait....I just want to get to where we are waiting for our daughter and some of this waiting seems excessive!!!
So here we are.....elation to frustration. I still feel like God led us to this agency and I know that no agency is perfect. We are all human and they can't help it that they have someone on maternity leave. I just know that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for our family and I need to make sure that I stay on top of it.....We can't wait to meet MeiMei and that is what we are doing all of this for.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Homestudy Paperwork FINISHED!!!
I am so excited to be blogging to say that today Jason and I went and got our TB tests read and picked up the results, and I also picked up the letter from our accountant. Those were the last 2 things that I needed to go in my last pack that I was sending to Bethany!!!! So I am officially done with the paperwork for the homestudy and am waiting to set up our home visits!!! I still have to do our packet but from what I understand, a big majority of what goes into that are the same things in the home study except I have to get them state sealed and consulate approved so that will be the challenge during that period. So as of now I am excited to have this part of the process finished!!! I am hoping to hear from Bethany in the next 2 weeks to see when our visits will start!!!
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
HOLY SMOKES!!!!
So I am sitting down to write this blog FULL of excitement. For all of you who message me after my blogs about how you just cried and cried...this will NOT be one of those!!!! I just got off the phone with the adoption agency and confirmed that the things that I will be sending at the end of the week will complete our paperwork. Since this blog is intended to chronicle adoption among other things let me give you a list of what the first set of paperwork included:
Also today was the day we picked up Connor's report card...all As and he is finished for the summer. I am excited to have both boys home and get to slow down our pace a bit this summer!!! Glad to have all the paperwork done so that I can enjoy them and just want for the 3 home visits. The dossier probably won't be starting until school resumes....so that gives us this summer to chill a bit!!!
I want to end by saying that I really appreciate EVERYONE that had to help with this process....everyone that wrote a letter for my kids, or filled out the personal reference form and sent it back...I know that no one even complained but I am thrilled to call you all friends and am so thankful that you were so willing to step up and help us thru this process!! I cannot wait to get MeiMei home and get to share her with all of you!!!! Ending this paperwork just makes me feel like we have taken a HUGE step to getting her finally!!!! I will blog again at the end of the week when the packet is in the mail!!!! Have a great and blessed day!!! Enjoy those kiddos!!!!
- Financial statement - individual (one for each of us to show what we are each worth)
- financial statement - monthly (showing where every penny we make is spent
- verification of financials - bank statements
- special placement needs questionnaire (detailed form showing different needs)
- adoptive family information sheet
- family history (one for each - asks about our childhood and parents)
- SAFE questionnaire (one for each - again about how our childhood was)
- Employer reference (ours was from our accountant...that's fun this time of year)
- family member reference
- 5 personal references (each have to fill out a form and send back)
- Letter for Grady from babysitter
- Letter for Connor from sunday school teacher
- Jason's fingerprints for FBI, STATE, and CANTS
- Courtneys fingerprints for FBI, STATE, and CANTS
- fingerprint receipts
- ORI form
- Medical Exam (one for all 4 of us)
- Adoption release and consent
- TB test for Jason
- TB test for Courtney
- Drug test for Jason
- Drug test for Courtney
- Authorization of release of information
- Guardianship statement (what happens if Jason and I die on flight...had to have someone for our boys lined up)
- affidavit of health insurance coverage
- Permission/consent form
- unforeseen additional fees form
- change in family status form
- parental discipline policy
- notice of privacy practices
- recipient rights procedure
- full day of training sheet
- consumer grievance procedure
- prospective adoptive parent training requirement
- CPR card for Jason
- CPR card for Courtney
- 2 years previous tax returns
- copy of marriage license
- Copy of birth certificates ( one for all 4 of us)
- copy of pet vaccination records
- picture of family
- duty of disclosure I-800
- Also had to do 10+ hours of online hague training for each of us
- also had to read 5 books and each of us had to do a book report on it
Also today was the day we picked up Connor's report card...all As and he is finished for the summer. I am excited to have both boys home and get to slow down our pace a bit this summer!!! Glad to have all the paperwork done so that I can enjoy them and just want for the 3 home visits. The dossier probably won't be starting until school resumes....so that gives us this summer to chill a bit!!!
I want to end by saying that I really appreciate EVERYONE that had to help with this process....everyone that wrote a letter for my kids, or filled out the personal reference form and sent it back...I know that no one even complained but I am thrilled to call you all friends and am so thankful that you were so willing to step up and help us thru this process!! I cannot wait to get MeiMei home and get to share her with all of you!!!! Ending this paperwork just makes me feel like we have taken a HUGE step to getting her finally!!!! I will blog again at the end of the week when the packet is in the mail!!!! Have a great and blessed day!!! Enjoy those kiddos!!!!
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Time Marches on.....
Random I know, but one of Connor's favorite songs is "Time Marches On" by Tracy Lawrence. I know that anyone that knows me very well is laughing and thinking, he is just like his mom!! Anyway, the song talks about how life changes and time moves on. I know that I have spoke about this before but yesterday I was struck twice with different emotions. First when I got home and saw the mail sitting on the island there was a card for me from Mercy HeartPrints. I knew exactly what it was. St John's Mercy has a program called HeartPrints. I will say that if anyone lives by a hospital and there isn't a program like this I challenge you to get involved and help start one!!! This program is headed by a nurse who delivered a still born child years ago. It is full of moms like me that have delivered a still born child and want to help others like us. So the day that I was admitted to the hospital I met the leader of this group and she visited me every day until we left the hospital. At first I was annoyed by her....I didn't want my friends there, so why would I want this stranger to keep coming in and asking me about my feelings and how I am doing. Little did I know how much this lady would do for me in the coming days!!! She had explained to me that she would be there when Chesney was born and after I was done holding her and ready to hand her over that she would take Chesney for a little while. At that point I was focused on the labor and didn't really pay attention to what she was saying. So the day came....I know it's hard to believe because she was so small but Chesney's delivery was VERY painful and of course VERY long. She was delivered without anyone in the room as once it happens it goes quick. So Jason was the one that told me that she was here and then he ran out to get the nurse. She then called the "HeartPrints lady". So they took her to the side table and wiped her off for a minute and then handed her to me. Jason and I held her for quite awhile and then the doctors needed to work on me some more so the "HeartPrints lady" took her and told me to call her when I wanted her to bring her back.
I really had no idea what was happening during that time but seriously let me tell you how amazing this lady is!!! She took Chesney and gave her a bath and then did pictures for me. She took some of the same pictures that we did of her but the one that she took that we never would have thought of is the picture that you have seen if I have showed you any picture. It was a picture of the bottom of her little feet. The other thing that she did is hand prints and foot prints. What a cherished memory of mine!!!! I have it framed as well as the foot picture. It's amazing how small the footprints are but how in the picture the feet look so big. Anyway, when they brought her back she also brought me things like the blanket that she was wrapped in, and a little homemade beaded ring made of beads and then the letter beads spelled out ANGEL. They had used it in the pictures of her so that you can see a size reference as it looks huge by her but it is a ring. She gave me ALL those memories of my sweet Chesney. How amazing is that!!!!! So anyway I opened what I knew would be a mothers day card because they sent me a homemade ornament at christmas and other cards along the way. What I didn't expect to find in the mothers day card was a matching ring to the ANGEL ring I received at the hospital but his time with MOM on it. Oh how I will cherish it!!! I smiled when I got it...I didn't cry....that is progress!!!!
Also yesterday we had an all day training at work...it was long and not really all that fun. At the end of the training after most of the girls had gone home the trainer was asking about grady who had just left. She asked if this was our only child and I said no that we had an older boy that was at school. She said "awe no beautiful blonde haired little girl?" Now not too long ago this would have been a huge trigger to my emotions but I was able to respond...."no, but we are in the process of adopting a little black haired girl from China". Not that I want to forget about Chesney because we talk about her all the time here....but I don't feel the need to put strangers in that awkward position of listening to what I know they don't need to hear. Now it's strange how time marches on....but it sure does.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Catching up....
WOWWY....I have wanted to blog so many times in the last 3 weeks but have been soooo busy and haven't had time to sit down and give it the justice that it deserves. First of all Chesney's due date has come and gone and I want to thank all those of you that sent me your thoughts that day, cards and especially the prayers. Boy did I feel the prayers!!! I was prepared for the emotions of that day and to be honest, the sadness was there but no more so then every other minute that I think about it. Maybe that day I spent a lot more time thinking about her but I made it thru and was fine. I did make a trip out to the cemetery while Grady was sleeping in the car and it was amazing to see that there is no longer a big lump of dirt, it was as though the burial was years ago not just 4 short months ago. I guess it is with everything else, time keeps going. I often go back "home" to St Peter and see someone that when I left was just a little kid, now they are graduating high school or already in college. It's amazing how I feel like I haven't aged that many years but to see them all grown up is a tough reminder that time is moving quickly. I guess that is how I felt at the grave that day, time is moving on whether I like it or not so I need to just keep up cause my boys need me to. So I guess April 19 was a great day where I felt Chesney and God really giving me permission to start focusing on MeiMei and not spending so much energy being sad. I know that Chesney is in God's hands and she is looking down at me and I want to make her proud and be a good example for her, just like I would want to do if she were here with me.
April 20!!! Wowwy, while we had Grady's bday party on this beautiful day, across the world China felt an earthquake of 7.0. After hearing about this I spent some time wondering, is MeiMei already born and left at an orphanage? Is she born and still with her birth mom who is struggling with whether to parent or not? Will the earthquake be the reason the mom couldn't parent? Is she even born yet? It's so crazy the things that go thru your mind. I mean I love MeiMei and I don't know anything about her. She may not even be born yet!!! My mind does wonder if this earthquake in any way will be the reason that MeiMei's birth mom couldn't parent. Or whether she is already in the orphanage. I know that even when we have MeiMei the only answer we will have is the day that she entered the orphanage because almost all babies that are in the orphanages in China are abandoned somewhere, it isn't like here where the mom calls an agency and hands the baby over to an agency worker, the child is actually abandoned on a door step. Now sometimes they may have a note that gives their birthday but more than not the birthday that we are giving in the referral is just the orphanages best guess. With newborns they go by how fresh the umbilical cord is....with older children I suppose it is the best guess of the drs.
At Jason's office we just updated to an all digital system. The medical world as a whole is required to be digital by a certain time so this was something that had to happen. However, I will say that I knew when we decided to do this how much time it was going to take from me, I would have waited until all of our homestudy and dossier (packet as Jason likes to call it) were finished. I totally feel like the adoption has been put on the back burner in a way because I am working at least 5 days a week and usually like 10 hours a day and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight yet. Then I come home and want to spend time with the boys until they have to go to bed. Then when they are in bed I have things to do like putting deposits in the books, paying the bills, doing payroll, or balancing the work account. This leaves a very exhausted Courtney and not any time to be working on adoption. Now I think looking back I understood how much paperwork was going to be involved....but I wasn't prepared. Now what does that mean...well I knew and expected LOTS of paperwork and there is definitely LOTS of paperwork. I just wasn't prepared for how much time it was going to take. I am the type of person that when I get an assignment in school I immediately got it done so that I didn't have it on my mind all the time. Or I love to make to do lists as to be able to get jobs done to cross off the list. I love the feeling of being finished!!! Well with adoption it isn't stuff that you can just get done...it is a lot of going here and getting this, and then going here and getting this. Not something I can just get all done quickly. Now on top of that I am working all the time so it drives me nuts that I am not getting things checked off the list like I would like. On top of the fingerprinting, financial papers, references, letters for our kids, and home study we have to do 30+ hours of continuing education. Right now Jason and I each are doing 10 hours of online classes for our "hague training". I'm not complaining because I know that these are things that have to be checked off and the reward is bringing our daughter home...but I'm just saying for all of those that are wondering about the timeline that I am HOPING to be logged in by the end of the year but I think I am going to really have to be working hard to get that done, which I have no problem with.
Yesterday Jason and I completed our ALL DAY training that is required by Bethany (our agency) in order to continue on with the home study. This means that we can officially finish our paperwork and move right on to the home visits. Therefore now I am on a dash to get finished up with the paperwork. This is going to mean a trip to Belleville at some point this week because I need to get our marriage certificate, and also ALOT of online classes and books to read...but I know that I can do it. I am ready to get the homestudy under our belt and have smooth sailing from then on. So if you see me at the office or in passing and I look tired know that I probably am tired but that I am enjoying every piece of this adoption puzzle. I just wish I hadn't taken on all the other stuff. The adoption stuff isn't the annoying stuff that has to get done it is the other things that are keeping me from working on the adoption that are the annoying stuff!!! This journey is interesting and stretching me out of my comfort zone but I am so thankful for that.
April 20!!! Wowwy, while we had Grady's bday party on this beautiful day, across the world China felt an earthquake of 7.0. After hearing about this I spent some time wondering, is MeiMei already born and left at an orphanage? Is she born and still with her birth mom who is struggling with whether to parent or not? Will the earthquake be the reason the mom couldn't parent? Is she even born yet? It's so crazy the things that go thru your mind. I mean I love MeiMei and I don't know anything about her. She may not even be born yet!!! My mind does wonder if this earthquake in any way will be the reason that MeiMei's birth mom couldn't parent. Or whether she is already in the orphanage. I know that even when we have MeiMei the only answer we will have is the day that she entered the orphanage because almost all babies that are in the orphanages in China are abandoned somewhere, it isn't like here where the mom calls an agency and hands the baby over to an agency worker, the child is actually abandoned on a door step. Now sometimes they may have a note that gives their birthday but more than not the birthday that we are giving in the referral is just the orphanages best guess. With newborns they go by how fresh the umbilical cord is....with older children I suppose it is the best guess of the drs.
At Jason's office we just updated to an all digital system. The medical world as a whole is required to be digital by a certain time so this was something that had to happen. However, I will say that I knew when we decided to do this how much time it was going to take from me, I would have waited until all of our homestudy and dossier (packet as Jason likes to call it) were finished. I totally feel like the adoption has been put on the back burner in a way because I am working at least 5 days a week and usually like 10 hours a day and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight yet. Then I come home and want to spend time with the boys until they have to go to bed. Then when they are in bed I have things to do like putting deposits in the books, paying the bills, doing payroll, or balancing the work account. This leaves a very exhausted Courtney and not any time to be working on adoption. Now I think looking back I understood how much paperwork was going to be involved....but I wasn't prepared. Now what does that mean...well I knew and expected LOTS of paperwork and there is definitely LOTS of paperwork. I just wasn't prepared for how much time it was going to take. I am the type of person that when I get an assignment in school I immediately got it done so that I didn't have it on my mind all the time. Or I love to make to do lists as to be able to get jobs done to cross off the list. I love the feeling of being finished!!! Well with adoption it isn't stuff that you can just get done...it is a lot of going here and getting this, and then going here and getting this. Not something I can just get all done quickly. Now on top of that I am working all the time so it drives me nuts that I am not getting things checked off the list like I would like. On top of the fingerprinting, financial papers, references, letters for our kids, and home study we have to do 30+ hours of continuing education. Right now Jason and I each are doing 10 hours of online classes for our "hague training". I'm not complaining because I know that these are things that have to be checked off and the reward is bringing our daughter home...but I'm just saying for all of those that are wondering about the timeline that I am HOPING to be logged in by the end of the year but I think I am going to really have to be working hard to get that done, which I have no problem with.
Yesterday Jason and I completed our ALL DAY training that is required by Bethany (our agency) in order to continue on with the home study. This means that we can officially finish our paperwork and move right on to the home visits. Therefore now I am on a dash to get finished up with the paperwork. This is going to mean a trip to Belleville at some point this week because I need to get our marriage certificate, and also ALOT of online classes and books to read...but I know that I can do it. I am ready to get the homestudy under our belt and have smooth sailing from then on. So if you see me at the office or in passing and I look tired know that I probably am tired but that I am enjoying every piece of this adoption puzzle. I just wish I hadn't taken on all the other stuff. The adoption stuff isn't the annoying stuff that has to get done it is the other things that are keeping me from working on the adoption that are the annoying stuff!!! This journey is interesting and stretching me out of my comfort zone but I am so thankful for that.
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